Clicking on any Deadspin link installs Stuxnet on your computer. They remotely activate the camera and record you yelling at your children while you masturbate to Supreme Court opinions. It’s what approximately 35% of their audience is doing at any given moment.

Playoffs are exciting because they’re an elimination tournament. The EPL has an elimination tournament: It’s called the FA Cup, it features like 700 teams from every level of soccer in the UK, and winning this tournament is a separate achievement from winning the league.

No jokes on this one. The only thing I can legitimately compare this to: I arrived in Greece to visit family the night they played France in Euro 2004. And a week and a half later, they were hoisting the Euro Cup and we partied our goddamn asses off.

WHOA MAN, thanks for your wonderful ahistorical take that fails to take into account party realignment. Fuck off.

New headline: Phillies propensity for KKKs leads to the Birth of a Nation-al League contender.

I think Berman would be better off knowing how to say “You’re with me, Leather” in German

Well, if we consult the McCann Convention, I’m sure all of the following would be violations: Smiling, laughing, displaying admiration and respect for an opponent’s achievement, acknowledging implicitly that playing baseball can be fun, and having a name that ends in one of them funny foreign letters like ‘Z’.

Throwing buttered popcorn? That’s viscous!

I was shocked to see Jason Terry still in the league earlier this season. I seriously thought he retired after Dallas won a few years ago.

Thanks for not using “donger” in the title this time.

Yeesh, this is the worst story about a Phillips getting terribly abused by leathery balls since Mackenzie.

And Kobe isn’t missing any playoff games this year due to injury.

This is good Kinja

“I’m stunned that Mr. Moody defied the court’s direct order to appear today,” Miami-Dade prosecutor Christine Zahralban told the judge on Friday.

I mean, it's no 700 ft. marble race, but it was all right.

John Wilkes Booth: “Yo man, I’mma let you finish, but I had the greatest play interruption of all time!”

Good for Shaun Livingston, too. After his leg fell apart a few years ago, I wasn’t sure he’d ever play again, and here he is with the Warriors.

Someone please give Eric Lindros very detailed written directions to the funeral.

I like the NCAA football comp. I would say it’s as if the Montana Grizzlies moved up from being a top tier but not dominant I-AA team to their second year winning the national championship over a team like Michigan St. while Alabama and Ohio St. go 6-7.

Correct, you “stroke” a birdie. And then they usually ask you to leave the golf course.