Surely one of the other 31 teams in the league has an opening for him at H-VAC.

Lock her up! Lock her up!*

(*For her own safety, we mean.)

Also the ball was played backwards. That was some absolute garbage defending. I assumed the keeper was just trying to hail a cab to get the fuck outta there.

Exactly my thoughts. 

And Fafa Picault got that Colombia jersey he’s always wanted to buy but was never able to afford on an MLS salary.

Okay but you’re crazy if you think he cannelloni beat Poland.

wait are you from chicago?

Yesterday’s Aston Villa-Preston match was a thriller that ultimately ended in tragedy for the Villans.

Rumor has it Andy or Joe Cole has the inside track on replacing him.

The Kavanaugh (because everybody...)

Chris(t) Carpenter is a pretty good version of The Bible, too.

Most significant of all, shortly after the fight Dom Cozzolino went into witness protection and changed his last name to “Consentino.”

That’s what I said.

And Michael Chang won Roland Garros when he was 17, but neither fact is relevant here.

Is there anyone who is under 30, inactive, and has won a grand slam?

...or by Bologna.

Little-known fact, but Cristiano Ronaldo is Portuguese for “Christian priest.”

Same objection. I think it may technically have been a nubber.

As long as we’re being pedantic, you can’t “punch” a ball to the pull-side of the field.

“Watch out, Jose, or I’ll do you like Aurier here did that cop.”