That bread looked more like a kitchen sponge.

Shit, I’ll do their advertising for them:

“we like the cut of your jib,” a phrase I am definitely going to work into my writing more often

I’m sorry, are we not just assuming that Drew is “Alex”?

Spider-man: Into the Stumbleverse.

I mean, it has three wheels, it just also has an extra wheel. 

I really enjoyed how obviously he steered into a couple of those cones. Besides old people, is anyone fooled by this?

I’m going to give them credit for one thing in this whole scheme, the names they came up with for the attorneys are pretty good. First, there’s only two women, so that tracks pretty well with the actual legal field (which is its own problem), but they nailed the white guy names. My top five in ascending order of…

I really like “mitigate legal scenarios” because it is total nonsense. Legal pitfalls, sure, legal issues, ehh maybe, but legal scenarios would be anything that is legal or illegal. As written, I am reading it as he will mitigate all legal scenarios leaving you with only illegal options. At least go to a real…

It was about ten years ago so I don’t remember the specifics of what his issue was. It may just have been related to the ammo shortages from all the people who thought Obama would take their guns. 

My dad owns 8 M1 Garands, most from the Korean war but a couple were used in WWII. They are so damn heavy compared to modern rifles, I can’t imagine lugging that thing around for months/years. He’s shot a few of them but had a hard time tracking down ammo so they don’t get taken out as much anymore. 

Something, something, glass houses.

This is the same math Trump uses for his net worth just adjusted to billions. When calculating for the IRS, the answer is 1 and when Forbes is asking him, the answer is 9. So following this logic, the true solution to the equation is -2 billion owed to Deutsche Bank. I hope that clears up the controversy. 

Darwin met Godwin and look who won.

Come together with your hands. Save me, I’m together with your plan.

Oh good, I was worried you wouldn’t be able to blame Pelosi for this too. But you always find a way!

Just get in the habit of haphazardly swinging hot tongs and grill forks in their direction as you turn to listen to their comments. That should buy you some space and, as a bonus, the blood of your friends and relatives adds a nice tangy kick to any grilled fare. 

Doug Pitt looks like Brad Pitt’s mom had a fling with Zach Braff.

Hey, it got half edited. Maybe after an hour or two they will throw that extra 0 in there too. 

This video is my nightmare