This is the same math Trump uses for his net worth just adjusted to billions. When calculating for the IRS, the answer is 1 and when Forbes is asking him, the answer is 9. So following this logic, the true solution to the equation is -2 billion owed to Deutsche Bank. I hope that clears up the controversy. 

Darwin met Godwin and look who won.

Come together with your hands. Save me, I’m together with your plan.

Oh good, I was worried you wouldn’t be able to blame Pelosi for this too. But you always find a way!

Just get in the habit of haphazardly swinging hot tongs and grill forks in their direction as you turn to listen to their comments. That should buy you some space and, as a bonus, the blood of your friends and relatives adds a nice tangy kick to any grilled fare. 

Doug Pitt looks like Brad Pitt’s mom had a fling with Zach Braff.

Hey, it got half edited. Maybe after an hour or two they will throw that extra 0 in there too. 

This video is my nightmare

Oh man, if only we had all of human history to prove how wrong that is. Also, humans are omnivores so his point (even if true) wouldn’t even apply to humans or most pets. Thank you for not bringing that idiocy out of the greys. 

That’s funny. I just immediately went to the expression “feeling blue.”

That sounds similar to a friend of mine whose upswings mostly consist of a lot of working out and a lot of plans to improve his life in every way. His downswings are brutal, though they seem to be getting a bit better. I just have good, old fashioned depression without any fun upswings.

The idea that they’re digging into here is the one that’s also a jab at McDonald’s: “No one is happy all the time.” That is a true fact. 

Those are probably to provide free advertising for the brewery/bar for hosting this event. Or they are monsters, could go either way.

We always had a wash cup to the side when I was in college to rinse the ball off after it hit the ground. That wash cup obviously did more harm than good after playing for a while but we’d replace it if we remembered. We also played with cocktails and not beer in the cups, so remembering was more difficult than you’d…

Pretty sure the beer glass is in that blue koozie.

Of course everyone operates better with less stress and of course a prisoner can be the one to deescalate. That’s not my point, though. The guards are in a position of power over the prisoners, it is their responsibility to keep a cool head and deescalate when possible. That is why it’s telling that the guards, not…

Apparently during a heat wave in New Zealand over the 2017-18 summer, “the risk of violent incidents increased in hot conditions, the department said, and measures had to be taken to try to keep staff and prisoners safe,” according to The Guardian. After that record-breaking summer, prison officials purchased about…

But you can’t think about missing the ground or the ground at all really. What you need is a good distraction right before you hit the ground.

The gravity starts when you fall and finishes when you land. 

The most impressive food I’ve ever seen smuggled into a movie theater was a group that brought a gallon of milk, solo cups, and two packages of Oreos. We only brought our gas station candy, I was extremely jealous.