In fairness, telling charming lies to make people feel better is sort of the whole point.

Names of bail bondsmen?

Glad that’s settled. Now I can go back to trying to program the VCR. It’s Matlock Marathon Wednesday.

Or, “don’t lose twice” is perhaps the better takeaway.

This is a great way to organize your giving.

Don’t ignore your local charities, either. We like to make a donation to a local organization and one with similar, but more global goals (like hunger, or reproductive rights, etc.).

Wait a second; I thought Trump was going to go after journalists.

Let me call Anthony Randolph so he can BLOCK the shit out of your asteroid.

Can you just not click on the articles and instead shut the fuck up?

Fuck off.

OK, but that doesn’t really answer the question of how you’re keeping it together. Lots of people woke up, ate breakfast, and went to fucking work, but did it with a ball of fear in the pit of their stomach. If you aren’t terrified of Trump enacting the policies the campaigned on because they won’t really affect you,…

Sleeping gas doesn’t exist.

I guess you could say that the death line-up’s play on the court in Game 7 was

That’s a lot of tears. Hopefully he has some kind of hollow, cylindrical device on hand to transport all that liquid.

Yea, becaus when you inexplicably get away with hitting people in the dick time and time again, you should just be able to get away with it forever.

A racist, a cheater, a misogynist, and a douchebag walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Sorry, Mr. Trump, we’re closed.”

asking out of greys is so n00b and not the best essay conclusion

Hey, how about a spoiler warning? Some of us are waiting until Episode VIII to find out who Supreme Leader Snoke is!

No snark here: The fact that ‘Recommended Stories’ shows 18 [EIGHTEEN] articles is a magnificent tribute to Deadspin. Good work.

*Should’ve gotten the joke, amirite?