This is alarmingly accurate.

Strategic kitten reserves are a staple of any good party.

Your problem is that you have a competitive relationship with the turkey. You and the turkey should be teammates on Thanksgiving, not adversaries. 

Dan Snyder looks like the manager at the grocery store you worked at in high school.

The Super Bowl was so boring that people at the party didn't even stop talking through the commercials. The hosts had locked away their kittens but let them out at halftime to entertain us because the game sure wasn't getting the job done. 

Fun Fact: in the halftime show, Big Boi rode a Cadillac down the field for more yards than the Rams had in the entire first half.

Just when I start to think I have a decent handle on the world, I find out there’s not only a Jeremy Renner app, but also, apparently, an audience for it.

And be sure to actually strap them on properly! An unstrapped helmet is just an ugly hat

Shame to hear of his passing.

Shel Silverstein is the greatest poet that ever lived. I will fight anyone that disagrees.

Also, molested me.

Same reason I always order a shot with my beer. Can't get drunk on whiskey if you're buying beer. It's just math. 

The Deuce rules!

And yet he picks a fight with a nobody for daring to say he likes astronomy.

You missed your opportunity to post: “Well, that Escaladed quickly!”

GUMBO GUMBO EVERYONE HAD BOUNTIES GUMBO!

Wow, guy who fellates teams and players who routinely dive in the box writes 275th article dissing VAR. It's almost as if those two things are related. 

Alright, that settles it, I’m convinced technology is the tool of the devil after reading/seeing this and have decided that I’m going to live with the Amish. This is my last post and I’m smashing my phone afterwards. I love you guys.

So, uh, VAR is really making a Messi of things, huh?

He must be rubbing off on teammates. I saw that someone has filed for the rights to the phrase “shoot her in the head”