Ernie: What's it all mean, Burt?

Burt: I don't know, Ernie. But something killed the bird.

Ernie: Something? Like what?

Burt: Maybe it was The Word ... I don't know. But whatever it is, it is going to die. And we're going to kill it.

I think you replied to the wrong person ... I wasn't criticizing Obama or Hillary or whatever. I was mocking the asshole who was.

"I make word noises with my fart box and type them into my Obama Phone with my sausage fingers and it makes squiggle lines appear on my magic screen."

I wake up every day and tell myself that I'm a well-meaning but woefully ignorant and privileged piece of shit. But I can get better.

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and goshdarnit ... GO FUCK YOURSELF."

It's like Stuart Smalley. But for masochists.

Oh R'hllor, Lord of Light and Enemy of Darkness. I humbly ask that you accept my sacrifice and grant me the means to purchase this vehicle.

Does this look like the set of Sons of Anarchy to you?

I'm too hungover to tell if I'm being mocked.

No, you're totally right.

I'm an asshole and I'll show myself the fuck out.

Q: What do you call your significant other?

A: Best Friend and Partner in Crime.

So ... partner? Or Accomplice. Depending on whether we've been formally charged.

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and talks like a duck it's probably a sodomite.
- Mighty Ducks 4: The Robertson(ing). Or whatever.

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts diddly dee!"

LION KING FTW

Alternate comeback:

Uh huh! My dad's always telling me to shut my fat hole!

Well lookit you and yer fancy book lernin' and shit.

Something something something France something something Germany something 'Murica!

I'm picturing them popping a giant zit made of thigh fat with a laser pointer ...

side note: I'm learning to make spatzle now.

And what hole do the lipid droplets come out of?

(joke not funny without .gif)

KINJA!

Wait ... so they use a laser to emulsify the fat? If I'm not mistaken, emulsify is like blenderin' right? But with lasers? So heat?!? So they're baconing the fat under your skin and then it's flushed out your lymphatic system? H.S. biology was a while ago but what hole is the lymphatic system and what comes out of it?…

You beat me to it.

No, I agree. I was being serious.