Doesn't "Love the life I live/And I will live the life I love" sound suspiciously like something from off of Metamorphosis? Anyone?

Seriously. Eating chips off the floor of a public transportation vehicle? Been there? No. Absolutely no no no.

Your life sickens and delights me, Ponytail.

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Bumping uglies — can definitely go with that. My list of acceptable euphemisms could have gone on for a long time, but I cut it off for the sake of brevity.

So, you're saying you don't have a peer-reviewed study, is that it?

Stop trying to get me into a hot tub with you and 6 other strangers. I'm just not into it, okay?

Married people have sex? Do you have some sort of peer-reviewed study to substantiate this radical assertion of yours?

Not believable. Sorry, dude, I'm not going tubbing with you.

We'll have to agree to differ. Nothing is worse than "making love." It's easily one of the ugliest, most cringe-inducing phrases in English or any other language spoken in this galaxy.

Try it some time. It's awesome.

I presume you have a ponytail and like to sit in a hot tub with strangers. You're this guy:

I try not to tan at all. I'm of Scandinavian stock so tanning and my skin don't work well together. I go from Zero to Michael-Jackson-In-A-Pepsi-Commercial in just a few minutes.

And some of those babies probably have it coming.

Do people really still ask that question? In this day and age?

So you think they should say fucking on ABC? Awesome, are you 12?

Smart woman.

Ditto. I've never "made love" in my life and I don't plan on starting. I'm a "making love" virgin. I've fucked. I've screwed. I've sexed. I've rooted and rutted.

That's what happens to me! I'm at IO9 or Giz and then I get distracted. I've never even seen a Bachelors show. WTF am I doing here?