My logic is that, given the rural location of my home, if someone were to break in while my wife and I were actually home, they are clearly there to murder us. So why bother with guns? 

Patrick Ewing glistening with sweat in the fourth quarter....glorious.

I too, once ate at Hardee’s.

Is an "aluminum vacuum tube" something most people have readily available in their home? I just keep a baseball bat next to the bed in case of intruders.

The NFL’s counterargument: Yeahhh but you’ll all probably be dead soon, so lol no.

Why doesn't that fan have a dirtstache to complement his greasy helmet hair? 

I dunno, I was looking forward to the insights only players can offer to questions such as "Why do you suck so hard?" And "Seriously, how can one team suck so badly?" 

I was going to ask if this makes Dolan a bigger ayehole than Dan Snyder, but then I remembered the time Snyder (most likely) used a John Skipper impersonator to get a radio show cancelled on the ESPN affiliate Snyder owns.

WHY DOES TED CRUZ'S FACE LOOK LIKE THAT

Bet that guy is a big fan of handing out salt tablets.

OBJ obviously requires fresh, pure water to replenish his precious bodily fluids.

Laura why isn’t Deadspin devoting more time and effort to covering the parking situation at the NFL league office? INQUIRING MINDS DEMAND TO KNOW.

Is that a shitty rug or a shitty haircut? 

MY GOD, THEY CAN’T AFFORD A SECOND HOUSE. THE HORROR.

From now on, I’m gonna say I’m going to the bathroom to “take a Goodell.”

Why isn’t there a show with Boban and Mozgov where they pal around the country, getting into all sorts of wacky hijinks?!

Also could be a transcript of Ortiz’s last sexual encounter.

My god, the stress of being an NFL head coach must be incredible. McDermott has already pulled all of his hair out!!

Is this the year LeBron goes totally bald? 

“This is a very poor way to solve your issues, but it’s damn compelling hockey.”