“OK, we got the crystal. Now we just need to shoplift a gigantic lightbulb.”

I wonder if Cheesecake Factory paid to be mentioned on this show. Any publicity is good publicity!

“I’m so fucking sick of this shit.”

They should bring back Herman’s Head.  That was a good ass show.

Odd. You’d think they’d only consider a lawsuit if he spent too much time actually in the building.

It really is astounding how awful CNN has become. I hate to say it, but Trump’s underlying theory that they are the enemy of the people is partially correct (it’s just not because they write mean things about him).

Khloe seemed like the only one in that entire family with an actual personality. You knew that wasn't gonna last.

Glad to know I'm not the only one who uses their phone to keep track of weird ball marks.

“...has gone up from $6.2 billion to $6.9 billion.”

This definitely takes him out of the running to star in the reboot of Timecop.

Sir, this is a Wendy's drive-thru.

Joe Eszterhas got paid $2 million for some shit he literally scribbled on a napkin and another $1.7 million when this movie went into production. Stay in school, kids!

I’m surprised he didn't try to right the ship by offering to make out with Meghan McCain.

Hope they revoked his access to the practice facility!

A large part of Trump’s 2016 victory can be directly attributed to the fact that Mike Pence fucks horses, so I don’t think you’re too off-base here.

She ripped off banks and jughead trust fund kids.  I say give her a medal.

When Pop finally retires from coaching, he can probably get steady work in sci-fi movies as the crazy town elder who yells things like “I’VE BEEN SAYING IT FOR YEARS” and “I TOLD YOU THEY WERE COMING.”

Sorry, Malcolm.  Life is unfair.

My team is the Jets, that's how.

@MichaelAvenatti is one of two accounts that has me blocked on Twitter. The other?