“The Raiders won’t get their asses kicked this weekend, because they have a bye.”

“He even fooled the Jets into using a second-round pick on the latter.”

So Jensen's defense is basically "Yes I sexually assaulted those boys, but no I didn't sexually assault those boys." 

He Ain’t Heavy, He's My Co-Conspirator

Were the people upset with the quality of said dildos and butt plugs? Or did they think it was a stunning revelation that a sex store would sell such items? 

Well I guess you can get a decent amount of exercise climbing on and off the operating table at your plastic surgeon's office.

Come back and finish your headline Gabe!

I’m amazed shit like that doesn’t happen to him every game. Burfict should be nowhere near an NFL field.

Apparently he’s most concerned about grad transfers, which make up a whopping 2.1% of players.

Obviously Coach K isn't going to get tripped up in any kind of scandal.

“How will the government respond when one overly ambitious Power Five school’s horde of cloned dinosaurs maims hundreds of fans at a game?”

I would say get cash up front with this moldy sack of potatoes, but even then I bet he'd try to pay you with Trump Bucks or something.

Pete, Joe Pesci from "Lethal Weapon 3" called. He wants his hair back.

If you want to simulate the experience at home, just punch yourself in the junk reeeaaaal hard for three and a half hours. Works for both men and women!

“As the producers of The Crown, we are responsible for budgets and salaries.”

Well not everyone can have a grip like Jameis.

He lives in Buffalo, it's all uphill from there.

“I play to win, for me. For me!!!!”

The NFL turned into hardcore gay pornography so gradually, I barely even noticed!

Please. Anyone who was a Bears fan in 1985 has long since passed away due to atherosclerosis.