An actual Drinking ProTip (okay, that’s just what I call myself: drink just enough of it to be able to clamp down on the lip of the cup and hold it in your teeth. Sure, it’s not a good look (although the resulting smile makes you look like the world's happiest festival-goer); but you're there for peein', not posin'.…

Wonderful summation. Let’s let the Chicago Reader pile on:

What, no STALLONE VS PAPARAZZI?

Nah, that's his "murdering asshole" character. And he's NAILING it!

I'll bet a stack of Ch(r)ump poker chips (very classy, very good) that he will use the word "clowns". Have you ever noticed he has an EXTREMELY limited vocabulary? Methinks Li'l Donnie was no reader.

Although it was a few years back, I will NEVER forgive her for the bile she was recorded spewing. I think it requires some pretty deep-seated feelings to be as free and gleeful about it as she was, and I doubt this was the only time she said things like this.

“No, I said if you lost the bet, you'd have to EAT your hat!"

Yeah, seriously, how'd we make it this far without someone brining that skidmark up?

That is quite possibly the most perfect tweet I have ever seen.

I used to hate flossing - the floss would pull off the neat trick of simultaneously cutting into my fingers and slipping off. Then, I found woven floss. Listerine Gentle Gum Care Woven Floss is THE BEST!

Well, the One Million Moms group is onto something: yogurt contains live lesbian cultures. That's just science.

Yup, and I think we're in for many, many instances of them being used in novel, sometimes nefarious ways that no one anticipated.

Fired because of a Facebook post?

Yeah, a Nazi with a side of extra-evil. That whole story (including the discovery of the unfortunate link) is just incredible.

Well, Ben, sometimes genealogy just doesn't work out in your favor:

It immediately brought this to mind:

For the love of god, get some paramedics over to Nellie Andreeva's house, NOW! She's probably holed up in her panic room hyperventilating and mumbling about "ethnics everywhere."

I'm bookmarking the shit outta that. Errr, you know, just in case, uhh...

Clearly, catching your fiancé screwing your roommate on your birthday cake is the worst.

Also: "Jimmy Kimmel Live, like the rest of the world, has temporarily migrated to Austin"