Thanks, Monsanto!

Come with me if you want to...um, never mind.

So just rent a snow machine, put everyone in scarves, and have someone comment on how cold it is at least once per scene. Movie magic! I’ll thank you for my executive producer credit.

Physicists HATE Him! One Weird Trick Allowed This Man To Break All the Rules of Space-Time.

The “scheduling issues” excuse is especially unconvincing when, as we all know, time is just a flat circle.

“...and now it’s over to Josh for the Two Minute Hate. Josh, what’s that ol’ George Soros been up to this week?”

I can’t believe they overlooked the obvious perfect leading man:

Why, the nation’s greatest Founding Father George Washington once let a school full of British children burn to death.

...Aaron Sorkin?

I’m sure Laura has all of our thoughts and prayers at this difficult time.

When asked for raises, have I not said no every year since 1868? And when the employees threatened to unionize, did I not have their children sealed inside a great iron steam-boiler, in which the temperature was raised one degree for every word their jumped-up “spokesman” uttered in my presence?

Be careful! T. Herman Zweibel seems like the type who’d send round some stout Pinkertons to break legs.

No, the real tease in this movie is: what mangled mutation of an American accent will Tom Hardy be speaking? I have ‘Drunken Southern Belle’ in my office pool.

“A French film festival is no place for obnoxiously public self-regard,’ a spokesman said with a completely straight face.

“Every day I come by Ben’s house and I pick him up. And we go out. We have a few drinks, and a few laughs, and it’s great. But you know what the best part of my day is? For about ten seconds, from when I pull up to the curb and when I get to his door, ‘cause I think, maybe I’ll get up there and I’ll knock on the door…

I’m obscurely disappointed that the Recommended Stories tab didn’t have a link to yesterday’s story about the Pirates of the Caribbean ride closing down their Wench Auction.

Before everyone gets all self-righteous about how regressive this scene was, let’s just remember the historic realities behind it. Women were still regularly bought and sold at auction when the Pirates of the Caribbean ride opened in 1967. As recently as 1953, JFK had paid three herds of cattle and a room full of gold…

All my life, I’ve dreamed of being able to shoot arrows real good, because there are any number of modern crime-fighting situations where only the Bronze Age technology of archery is appropriate.

CONFIRMED: Both The Last Jedi and The Revenant take place in the Tom-Hardy-Pulls-An-American-Accent-Out-Of-His-Ass Cinematic Universe. And speculation is mounting about his next project, a gritty Yosemite Sam reboot.

I wouldn’t even buy that company to asset-strip it. You just don’t know how many of the office fittings Weinstein masturbated over.