BREAKING: Ryan Lochte issues a scornful press release saying he raced a shark once, and won, then beat its ass for looking at him funny. Shit was insane, brah.

Hmm, thanks. Guess it's time to print and archive all my comments in a series of hefty leatherbound volumes.

Wait, what's going on? I missed this announcement.

Lordy, I hope there are recordings!

It's all part of the mainstream media's plan to make Jones sound like a stupid, aggressive, hatemongering maniac.

They should settle their differences by combining the two projects. I'm picturing a sexy journalistic romp in which Charlie's Angels have to find and leak the Pentagon Papers.

BREAKING: Hollywood executives say the Banks-Spielberg controversy means they "probably shouldn't risk" doing any women-led films for the next decade or so, until all this dies down.

And she's leaving it?!?

"Excellent question, Billy. The sky is blue because God likes the colour blue, okay? Okay? You want to burn in Hell, Billy? That answer your question?"

Excelsi…door?!

Huh. Death is alright, I guess, but she's no Jodie Foster.

Of course - who could forget the classic three-issue arc 'The Mail of the Species' (Fantastic Four #117-19, December 1971-February 1972)?

There's not a chance in hell I'm clicking on that.

Um, that's clearly the Silver Age hero Door-Man (first appearance: Iron Man #17, September 1969, 'Enter…the Door-Man!').

Creepy Megachurch Trumpians.

The Invisible Hand is actually just really pale.

America is crying out for an All in the Family reboot with that truth-telling hero Archie Bunker.

I'm sure all conservatives will indignantly dismiss this attempt to go against the will of the market which saw the show cancelled.

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And they're supposed to be the network that peacocks comedy. I mean, that used to mean something.