"There's one born every minute" doesn't discriminate by ethnicity.

They're bringing crime, they're bringing drugs, they're anal probers.

The MRA/alt-right brigade might actually be baffled by this one. On the one hand, they're women. But on the other hand, they're SECURING OUR BORDERS.

We need more Flurby license plates in the gift shop.

Ah, the rare America Furbst model.

Only '90s Kids Will Remember How Your Furby Used To Sit By Your Bedside, Chuckling to Itself In The Dark Watches Of The Night, And Sometimes When You Woke Up Suddenly You Thought You Could Hear It Whispering Some Terrible Secrets Into The Darkness

"People don't have the patience for whole episodes of shows. Meanwhile, they seem to love listicles. And so, we present: the episticle."

"And if it falls through on TV, maybe we could try it as an augmented reality app, a Snapchat serial, a concept album, a line of luxury soaps, or even (just spitballing here) a classic and widely-loved series of comics."

We need to see how fucking stupid a good portion of America really can be.

Out of sight, out of lymphatic system!

"All Musical Genres Matter."

People like Beyonce are just fostering racism and division, by pointing out how racist and divided the country is. If you stop talking or thinking about these things, they'll go away, like when you have a big weird mole.

“a terrifying loss of gravity” affecting the Earth.

"Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard."

Stop trying to unskew the poll, man! You'll attract Nate Silver.

Desperate Electoral College Girls Need Cash.

Just so long as you weren't also taking a selfie. That would be sick and illegal.

"Did you see? Did you see low-energy Senor Spielbergo? Wuh-wuh-wuh - he couldn't even make it to his car! No stamina!"

As healthy as a 70-year-old man with a luscious mane of golden hair, a beautiful tan, and perfectly normal-sized human hands.

Once again, the 'no-account shitbird' demographic is ignored by pollsters.