How much time do we get to prepare for this battle? Give me a couple years of nonstop training with a bow and arrow and we're good, right?

Another added benefit of keeping DST is not having delays on E/W running freeways because of sunshine. Yes, there are such things as FUCKING SUNSHINE DELAYS on the Milwaukee interstate. The best was about a month ago the morning sun (driving east) was right in the eyes of the average driver at around 6:45 am and…

My six-year-old will put five hundred cows in a pen designed to hold one. And then I ask him, hey, don't you think they'd like more space, as though they're real cows living on a real farm on top of a volcano in the middle of an ocean, because I am weirdly actually concerned about the mental health of five hundred…

Our four year old plays Minecraft with his older sister. His favorite activities are using lava to start forest fires and shooting livestock in the face with a bow and arrow.

We arrived at our Disney hotel. Our tickets were for enough days that we could burn half a day in the park. We (me, husband, 2 kids, my parents) headed for the Magic Kingdom.

As long as she's breastfeeding, the poopie has VERY little odor... when the kid gets off the boob... LOOK OUT....

But what if ISIS is also paying attention to the dress? Maybe they turn on each other

The number one spot would still be too low.

He's funny as hell and we all want to fuck Chris Pratt

DJ Roomba is definitely above Craig, possibly above Wyatt. .

Serve your soft boiled egg in your ramen and turn your bowl of zero into a bowl of hero.

a shot glass makes a perfect home egg cup. Place the egg, rounder/thicker end in the glass. The egg will sit in it easily, about 1/3 to half way in. Then, with a spoon lightly tap the pointy top, hard enough to make a slight crack. Then peel this top quarter or 1/5th of shell off. Scoop off that top of the white.…

I think I've almost talked my kid into "maybe just you and (kid's best friend) want to go to nice resort water park place instead of having a big birthday party this year?" The suspense is KILLING me.

Was the dog just there so he wouldn't get fined?

Hell, no, I'm not into weddings. What kind of a freak do you take me for?!

My wife died last year at age 35. (Bear with me, totally not trolling for sympathy.)

Go to a good bakery or ice cream place and buy some cookie dough (and ice cream). They take like 10 minutes to bake, make the house smell fantastic, and warm cookies right out of the oven really ramp up a bowl of ice cream into actual semi-fancy dessert territory with almost zero effort.

I think the idea, as reiterated multiple times throughout the column as well as at the actual, literal, very-last-sentence end, is to serve a dinner that still allows for sexy fun times later on.

I've only had one girlfriend (out of 5 serious ones) who was really into it. It was awesome. I think the prep work that needs to be done, both by the fucker and the fuckee, can't be stressed enough. In my experience, it was never a spur of the moment thing like when a porn star just says, "I want you to fuck my ass,"…

Yes actually! This is a topic my editor has already asked me to take on (somewhat at my suggestion, based on some reader Qs I've gotten) so be on the lookout for that. I wanted to space it out a bit from the frat house and wetting the bed Qs so that Ask a Clean Person doesn't turn into too much of a gimmicky space.