Serve your soft boiled egg in your ramen and turn your bowl of zero into a bowl of hero.

a shot glass makes a perfect home egg cup. Place the egg, rounder/thicker end in the glass. The egg will sit in it easily, about 1/3 to half way in. Then, with a spoon lightly tap the pointy top, hard enough to make a slight crack. Then peel this top quarter or 1/5th of shell off. Scoop off that top of the white.…

I think I've almost talked my kid into "maybe just you and (kid's best friend) want to go to nice resort water park place instead of having a big birthday party this year?" The suspense is KILLING me.

Was the dog just there so he wouldn't get fined?

Hell, no, I'm not into weddings. What kind of a freak do you take me for?!

My wife died last year at age 35. (Bear with me, totally not trolling for sympathy.)

Go to a good bakery or ice cream place and buy some cookie dough (and ice cream). They take like 10 minutes to bake, make the house smell fantastic, and warm cookies right out of the oven really ramp up a bowl of ice cream into actual semi-fancy dessert territory with almost zero effort.

I think the idea, as reiterated multiple times throughout the column as well as at the actual, literal, very-last-sentence end, is to serve a dinner that still allows for sexy fun times later on.

I've only had one girlfriend (out of 5 serious ones) who was really into it. It was awesome. I think the prep work that needs to be done, both by the fucker and the fuckee, can't be stressed enough. In my experience, it was never a spur of the moment thing like when a porn star just says, "I want you to fuck my ass,"…

The anus is loaded with sensitive nerve endings that can feel quite nice when you allow yourself to get past the "that feeling is coming from my butt!" distractions.

did this tonight, kind of. sauteed cauliflower florets until a bit tender, put in half a cup of red wine, salt & pepper, let cook five minutes, put in a few tsp crushed coriander seeds, cooked another couple of minutes. it's a beautiful thing.

But most people are going to add some kind of fat for flavoring to broccoli, whether that's butter or cheese sauce or olive oil. 2 glugs of olive oil to dress 2 heads of broccoli is not exactly decadent.

this is a cooking column — to learn how to make food that tastes good. Cooking without any fat results in lousy tasting food.

I guess Russell Wilson wasn't the only person who didn't realize that someone in a Marshawn Lynch jersey was right behind them.

Yes actually! This is a topic my editor has already asked me to take on (somewhat at my suggestion, based on some reader Qs I've gotten) so be on the lookout for that. I wanted to space it out a bit from the frat house and wetting the bed Qs so that Ask a Clean Person doesn't turn into too much of a gimmicky space.

2014 hot take: "Sherman should stop his thuggish behavior!"

I'm just saying, it'd make a better halftime show. That's all.

Look, I know you only had 30 seconds, but I really feel as though you didn't spend enough time establishing a believable narrative.

I didn't really care who wins on Sunday, but now I don't think I've ever wanted anything more than for Lynch to score 6 touchdowns, grab his crotch after every one, win the MVP, receive the trophy from Goodell and get interviewed on the podium after. IF THERE'S A JUST GOD THIS WILL HAPPEN.

but what does that make the reporters who insist on continuing to ask him questions despite knowing well ahead of time that Lynch has no intention of answering any of them?