Oh, you meant they sent basketball back a few decades in the *bad* sense. I was hoping maybe they had thrown some good crisp bounce passes and finished off with clean two-handed set shot. #makebasketballgreatagain

This is the thing about Fallon: once you realize what he is, and accept it, you can have a great time watching Matt Damon play Tiddlywinks with the cast of Eight is Enough.

Jesus, just ask her “Is it safe?” How hard is that?

I’m not anti-Semitic either, but I’m starting to get pretty pissed that my wife won’t tell me where she’s hiding her gold.

This is funny because there’s also a popular sex position called “the 69" or “69ing.”

I used to occasionally spill small amounts of liquid while sipping on a delicious drink. To stem the tide of rude “Hole in your lip?” comments, I now fly a small plane over the city where I plan to drink, seed the air with silver iodide, wait for rain clouds to form, then buy a drink and sit outside. Everything is…

It must be heartbreaking, knowing that your father doesn’t really want to have sex with you.

This exactly what I get when I send an auto-predict text.

it’s just a picture of legs that cuts to an image of a man standing in a burning house and he has a goat head and his eyes are the black of the void and then it cuts back to an image of legs with paint on them and then it’s the goat headed man and he’s closer to the foreground and I can smell sulfur and then it cuts…

“I’ve been taken out to MANY ballgames, believe me. Yuuuge ballgames, yuuuge crowd. And let me tell you, I actually DID care if I ever came back because I have many successful businesses to run, like my new Trump Peanuts and Cracker Jacks. The best peanuts and cracker jacks, believe me. These peanuts and cracker…

He was like a beautiful, portly gazelle

Related: A young, sycophantic, eager-to-please Chris Christie had to run down to the concession stand to buy him some peanuts and Cracker Jacks.

I personally thought he sounded great, and I majored in Music at Trump University, so I know a thing or two about singing.

Fallon is a no-talent hack who sucks (seriously why are you not watching Colbert instead), but this is good advice. In short, stop taking yourself so goddamned seriously and stop trying to constantly find fault in the words and actions of others (unless those “others” happen to be Jimmy Fallon).

Nice.

Ben Bithop

Still my fav!

i’ll be damned if you didn’t just describe my perfect friday night, qf.