I’m really disappointed at how the commentariat has let you get away with this article, so I ran this through my copy of MS Word 98’s auto-summarize feature:

My favorite part is when adults say “kids now are so much worse than when we were kids”

I like the idea of littering my yard with plastics

Olive Garden has taught me that bread is free. Working at Olive Garden has taught me you don’t even need to say please when asking for more. It is an inalienable human right. MORE BREAD

I’m leaning towards armed robbery

Hi new people!

Between Lacey’s very direct admission of what he’d done and how his music just got darker and more conflicted (the timeline puts the abuse between Your Favorite Weapon and Deja Entendu, and his sex addiction rehab followed The Devil and God..) it’s got an authenticity I just don’t know what to do with.

Way to bury the lede about Delaware Punch being discontinued!

I think a solid piece of advice for everyone would be “never overvalue your dignity”

Actually, their Instagram post was the best corporate sorry-not-Sorry ever. They said “this campaign was wildly successful, we appreciate your feedback, and we removed it.”

I think it’s less for Twitter likes and more for promoting their work at a bear sanctuary that’s closed to the public

I don’t know but I want one

Also, referencing 90s ad campaigns, well played

I think you just described the typical Taco Bell visit

I’m sure the pandemic has made us all lower our standards a bit. But I have a hard time going into a relationship knowing it’ll make me cry.

This may be possible. I have never eaten at a Popeyes below the Mason Dixon line or west of the Mississippi

I mean, yeah as a kid from the eighties, we didn’t really spend that much time thinking about the meaning and consequences of what we did.

Um. You think it’s a coincidence that Aimee uses a non-traditional spelling of her name that starts with AI? You didn’t think such brilliant and entertaining writing came from a human did you?

I love arguments where both people are saying the same thing

It’s sad that his advice starts with saying it is too long