The infamous marital rape story that figured into his divorce from Ivana occurred after he’d had some sort of hair transplant, too. I don’t know how it was done at the time, but I’m sure it was bloody and painful, and not just because I’ve watched Arrested Development many, many times.

Because orange is MANLY, and that shade of green is for the babies you have with your mistresses and never see again until you need them to promote something. 

Sadly, BadOmbre, their hygiene isn’t all it could be, but they will lick each other’s heads if I turn on Fox News, or a video compilation of people praising them and calling them gods. 

My cats also spend 60% of every day in Executive Time: sleeping, pooping, or harassing someone with a can opener for meat.

Jaysus, John Brown’s Body down there calling you an idiot liberal without the vaguest understanding of how many crimes can be discerned from what ISN’T declared on tax returns. I swear, some days I consider the cynicism and addlebrain-edness of the right and laugh out loud, and other days I want to pack them all in a…

People below their stations ARE animals. 

Thank you for the recap — it exceeded expectations. And I had mistakenly read Barnaby Joyce as Joyce Barnaby, who is a character on Midsomer Murders, thus imagining one of the badly behaved in this saga to be a middle-aged woman. It all makes more sense now.

I’m imagining he’s talking about his house, and the world’s worst dinner parties. 

Republicans (who could openly support him) will see this as a huge betrayal, because he was one of them all along but lay down with Democratic dogs. He’s a traitor.

I wish I’d seen all this Australian howler monkey behavior! It sounds quite dramatic.

I’m trying to imagine what it would be like to have an empty, yet vivid, space in one’s memory. Wait, MAYBE I DO HAVE THEM.

Who could have anticipated news THIS GOOD??

And you can never tell (not from photos or standup or on talk shows) how hot someone is when you’re eye to eye, or alone. I have an ex like that -- no one would *ever* guess how intoxicating he is.

ARE YOU SAYING YOU SLEPT WITH THE MOM. Wait, that can’t be right.

“People experiencing homelessness” is such a humane phrase.

My dad was spared at least a hundred DUIs in our rural community, and never caught for very grave crimes, then went to prison for the one thing the Feds do not allow. I remember saying to my sister, “Five years? Luckiest man on earth.”

Tell me how to feel about Sandy’s face in that still photo tho. Is her jaw hinged? Is that lip made of lip, or something else?

Is Tomatoface one person, or are they legion?

If I could do that every morning -- irrespective of all other sources of despair -- it would be a reason to LIVE.

“Cut the cord, cut the cord, cut the cord! I can feel it draining my life energy! Let it trail no longer, my ball and chain!”