I had to go to the supermarket this afternoon. There were whole aisles devoid of merchandise (canned foods, produce, poultry - you all know). Then I got home to find “the president” telling me that there are no shortages at America’s grocery stores.

“Big Bidet”?

I’m not going to judge a new parent for how they react in an emergency situation like this, but I am going to judge you if you use it as a photo op to try to look relatable on instagram.

Damn, I liked her. She was dogged and would have made one hell of a great leader.

This is dumb. At no point in his time as commander is Li Shang interested in Mulan; if anything, it’s the opposite (though she would never approach him).

Timberlake should have kept his dick in a box.

My worst was my 6th. It was my first year in school and so the first one where a bunch of kids were invited. And a lot of kids showed up. Sounds good, right? Problem was my alcoholic mother was in no way equipped to deal with a houseful of little kids and parents she didn’t know. So she was taking frequent trips to…

Oh, wait, I have misread this article.

I prefer a cotton thigh-high. Double layered is good for hiking. Always want a nice thick pair for bumming around the house on a cold day. Bombas makes some pretty comfy ones, though a little pricey.

To steal a line from Jim Jeffries’ gun control bit: “Jeez, you think a lot of yourself if you think everyone’s coming to murder you.” 

I was friends with my neighbors once. It was exhausting. It’s so hard to turn down a dinner invite after a long day at work when they can clearly see your car in the driveway.

I don’t talk to strangers because:

“ Trump told audience-goers: “I don’t know if this is a fact, but she had a horrible social media account. She’s, I guess from what I hear, a very strong woman, a very dominant person, so she can get people to do whatever she wants,”

Hey, cool, the President is using his platform to target an otherwise anonymous, innocent civilian for performing her civic duty. 

Hi there very real and legitimate Sanders supporter with an account created an hour ago. Thanks for your contribution 

The worst thing about the establishment support Bloomberg is getting is that there is absolutely no good reason for it. I’m not much for trying to predict who is “electable” or not, or who can win over undecideds in Trumpville or whatever, but if you’re going to play that game, nothing about Bloomberg screams “Winning…

Yeah no, the primary is not over, I don’t need the residents of Iowa and New Hampshire speaking for me.

McCain described Sanders as promoting the “complete paradigm shift of the American system as we know it.”

THANK YOU.