I keep staring at the sweater and thinking, “How luxurious...”

I have come from the future to tell you this was a joke*. Also that Trump will be elected president, which is not a joke and will eventually spark angry mobs of women who wear pink hats and black dresses and refuse to be ogled and touched inappropriately in the workplace any longer. Men will be puzzled by the whole…

Wow! Very heist! Much impressed! Wow!

Don’t you love when old comments get attention? I’m always like “oh, yeah... right...”

Her Titanic film critique remains on of my all-time favorites, too. It’s about damn time someone gave her a whole book’s worth of space to do that!

Today, I buried a friend of mine, whose girlfriend is one of my best friends. He was one of the greatest men I’ve ever met. He loved my best friend with all his heart, and she loved him back. He was kind, funny, and the life of any party. He was a talented photographer, videographer, and artist. He and my best friend…

“Me-sa gonna stick something up your butt, Christian”

This commercial for Sandals is awfully dramatic.

I thought it was a solid show. Who knew Chance the Rapper was so fucking funny?

Pete Davidson, who never ceases to underwhelm me, might have had the funniest bit on the night though ragging on Staten Island and Colin Jost’s

“If Staten Island is so desirable, why is it free to get there?”

I LIKE that!

May I offer you my Santa-diminishing plan?

Well, tough shit England, that’s what you get for Brexit.

HOLY SHIT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Dear God, that thing is terrifying to even look at!!!!! If that thing and the rest of his crab crew come up to me on the beach they can rip me apart and eat me, no problem - I’m dead of a fucking heart attack anyway. JESUS!!!!

yeah sorry to all you frickin conspiracy theory losers but I had an Australian roommate who looked JUST like Amelia Earhart and so did her mom and I was like “omg [name withheld] you look JUST LIKE our first lady of the sky, where is your family from” and she was like, “well my dad’s family is from Scotland” and I was…

Blake Shelton is not the Sexiest Man Alive that 2017 needs: he’s the Sexiest Man Alive that 2017 deserves. 

Megyn Kelly’s true self peaked out underneath all that new branding.

I want Pale Blue Dot please.

can you imagine the inJUSTice of being a man, benefiting your WHOLE career from the boy’s club, only to have your PICTURE POSTED next to a WORSE man than you, who only did a little grabbin? men canNOT catch a break in this world, ESPECIALLY in hollywood.

I dunno, it kinda makes sense in a way that the shittiest pirate would have the most kick-ass flag. As a pirate you need to have something going for you, even if it’s just your sick gang sign.

*calls lawyer*