Ha! I was at Whole Foods (the original Whole Foods in downtown ATX) the other day, and some guy asks me what "en papillote means" (regarding an item on the buffet). I explained it to him, and he goes, "Thank you. I'm a cultured old gay man from New York, and I didn't know what the f*ck it meant. I thought maybe it was…

The star I just gave you counts as a gaseous giant about to go supernova, in terms of how much I agree. Speakerphone quality on a cell phone speaker is basically a broken drive-thru speaker, and the conversation is never "GIVE ME THE COORDINATES SO I CAN SAVE THE PRIME MINISTER!" It's always "THAT WAS WHEN I SAID,…

I was in Taco Bell on Valentine's day because I'm a winner, and there was a latino gentleman with his significant other playing mariachi music on his phone completely non-ironically. It took all of my willpower not to either laugh or smash his fucking phone.

When I was 4 years old, my pappap passed away. Being 4, I didn't have much of a concept of what death meant - I probably kept asking when he was coming back. My parents explained to me that people get old, and when they get old, they will die and go away forever.

I was a creepy child, as in I was bad at socializing and I knew too many words. Essentially, I was a very small old person who read encyclopedias and watched daytime television. I was also bald (which my mom tried to cover with tiny hats) for the first few years of life to complete the picture.

the data collected might help those who are living with depression or cancer get their appetite back

It's not that you're hungry, it's just that everything tastes AMAZING.

In all seriousness, this weather never fails to make me depressed. It's not a lack of sun. It was so sunny on my way to work that the combination of blinding sunlight and cold made me cry real tears. It's something about the fact that it forces you to start shortening all your activities to the bare minimum, so my big…

No sympathy here. I have awful animal cruelty forced on me at least once every other week. Social workers, cops, paramedics, and oh yeah, innocent children have horrific shit forced on them daily. If they have to deal with it, so do the rest of us. We OWE IT to the victims, living and dead, to realize that this shit…

I had a daughter who died at roughly the same age due to a heart defect, and when I hear of people who use violence to throw away something I tried so hard to save, I just.... question if we're even the same species. Sucks that we totally are.

Mark.

These stories vindicate the course I took of bottling up my feelings, not discussing them with anyone, and not trying to pull off stuff like this.

I want the Rifftrax version of this movie.

when i was first hooking up with my first girlfriend i kept stopping to pee

It's really difficult not to hate this woman. I grew up in this kind of smug, judgmental, repressed religious environment. People thought they were so nice and generous when they condescended to hate the sin, etc., but the stifling of individuality, of independence, of sexuality of any kind was just so fucking stupid.…

Your religion is more important than your child? Then you can fuck right off.

I absolutely hate the culture of "happiness" that is so ingrained in America. It's unhealthy and it's annoying.

I can't decide whether Shane Black loves or hates Christmas. His movies always revolve around X-Mas, opening with an X-Mas rock song and span the holiday season with a tale of losing it all and desperately struggling to get it back. It's not hard to compare Iron Man 3 with Long Kiss Goodnight or some of the Lethal…