Dear Carrie,

"almost spluttering on her iced almond-milk single-shot cappuccino."

"Weekend At Abuela's"

"The kids were absolutely ravenous," remarked an onlooker. "At one point they cut the throat of a raccoon and feasted on the blood while cooing "'sweet nectar.'" Another witness noted that blood-soaked copies of acclaimed hit Country Strong were found scattered around the restaurant.

"Being cockblocked by ABC hasn't stopped Kaufman; she's still live tweeting the show with aplomb, joining an important community of media Bachelor watchers whom ABC and Bachelor producers likely hate."

I have no opinions on his music since I don't listen to it, but I'm now firmly convinced of his awfulness. WTF dude?

Well, he tries anyway. But, like tofu, when he tries to be something he is not it winds up as blatantly offensive.

He's playing a free show in Brooklyn this summer...I don't know why I know this.

ONLY APPROPRIATE RESPONSE

They can try to conceal his identity, but there is no hiding from...

Wear rollerblades. Come on.

Gee, thanks for letting the women know ! I guess they were wrong about this the whole time.

If you have a cat carrier, Jackie Chan asks to take pictures with you.

Argh....for $400 a pop, couldn't they have hung the back drop straight?

Maybe she was gassy. She looks gassy.

But if you give her your number, she will ask you for $400/Before she calls you maybe

....seriously?

The lily flower is a good namesake for someone who wants to start fresh. Good for her, I'm glad she appears to be on the path to finding peace.

ALSO: his ex-wife is named Gay. He was part of a couple called Gay and Butch Otter.

Oh god, THE FEELS. *sob*