if you need this article to know how to get by, you’re a fucking amateur.

Pro tip 2: Don’t get old. Those mildly annoying hangovers at 23 become a death sentence at 33.

Wow, thanks so much for this, Leslie. This will really help me on those tough mornings at my job.

Any time I read a story like yours about what your friend went through or this poor kid in L.A., I panic, ever since seeing that stupid Gwyneth Paltrow/Matt Damon movie Contagion. I just figure it’s a matter of time before The Plague or some other familiar disease decides to mutate and take most of us out. Disease is…

So is the not-funny joke that you’ve mixed up Yersinia pestis with Clostridium botulinum?

Back in the late 70s, my little sister’s best friend — a girl named Anne, then about 20 or so — spent several days camping by herself in the Sierra Nevada mountains. When she came home, her parents were gone, traveling on a vacation of their own. She wasn’t feeling well, but figured she had just picked up a cold or…

No, they'd still get treated, just none of the costs would be borne by insurance companies, instead the family would go bankrupt or the government would directly pick up the tab.

“unless an infection is left untreated”

Nope, still not funny.

What’s this about the sanctity of marriage?

Huh. And some men use females as punching bags. Whaddaya gonna do?

Soylent but deadly.

I have never cooked pork for 24 hours, but I’ve done plenty for 12, and I have a magical solution that provides me all my nutrients for a full day and makes me feel better about myself. It’s called beer.

Slimfast had the exact same effect in 1982. Of course not eating food will cause a person to lose weight.

Did I read a different article than you did? The one I read was making fun of the company and their shitty sunscreen.

Bear in mind the pain of that burn the next time you think you can prevent the flu with yak testicles or whatever you idiots believe nowadays.

The future face of pale children.

I used Alba’s sunscreen and I got a sunburn.

It’s almost like the active ingredients actively do something! It’s almost like Banana Boat isn’t trying to poison your children.

I’m an Eagles fan and even I was rooting for Patton to shoot him.