Okay, I admit it. At first read, I thought that “murdering a hobo” was a euphemism for fellatio or a hand-job.

I’m guessing they aren’t British...

I once accidentally walked in on my mom and dad ritualistically murdering a hobo. We laugh about it now, but it was really awkward at the time three weeks ago.

You...you killed him?

It may help you to know that this was the 90s, so the shorts were very wide-legged, indeed. And they were seated facing each other...

My father walked in on me masturbating, luckily for me he is now dead so no one but I now know it ever happened.

It’s called the Parent Trap Syndrome.

Ooh that reminds me of when I ran into two lesbians going to town on the hood of the car next to mine in a VERY WELL LIT parking garage. They were awkwardly like “sorry...” and I just laughed and said “no worries, be safe, have fun” like a huge dork.

Someone I was sort of dating in college, and who I thought I was madly in love with, sent ‘me’ a very romantic email. I was like “it’s happening! he loves me too!” and then I noticed that he had addressed it to another woman’s name. Huge heartbreaker.

There are two kinds of people in the world...

Okay, that’s pretty normal for that age (not that it’s something you want to encounter, but it would be much more weird if he was like 16).

When I was nine, I walked in on my dad and step-mom having sex. Because my sister and I were ready for church and we were all going to be late if they weren’t already up.

Tie an inner tube to the back of a three wheeled ATV (back before those fuckers got banned for being so tippy) and let a mildly buzzed 17 year old drag you around a supposedly frozen lake and nearby snow covered field.

Caitlyn Jenner can go fuck herself.

Team Jennifer

and also that she retains a botanist

In my head, I can’t stop singing “my little bull dyke, my little bull dyke” to this tune:

I don’t know, I sort of think that women have a responsibility to not put themselves into the sort of situation where this might occur. Which, apparently, involves building some sort of solitary subterranean bomb shelter and just living there for the rest of your lives.

Douchesatchel

Well, if penises were not supposed to fly free, why did God give mine wings?