I love Kim’s sense of humor.

Dude, if I were the poor sister I would tell bride sister to absolutely take rich sister’s money. Then we could split the cash to go do something awesome just the two of us. And if we’re feeling bitchy we could plaster pics all over Facebook of our great time together. We could even tag mean sister like, “Without Mary…

Mazel Tov!!! So many tears. My WWII Veteran, Holocaust Camp-Liberating Jewish Grandpa just died last week. He was the best, most wonderful mensch of a human I could ever be honored to know. He had his Bar Mitzvah as a 13-year-old, but was a lifelong learner and student of all things including Judaism so he had an…

you’d bring your friends Leo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt. And then you would leave.”

Cosmo was in a perfect position to do this. Everyone, including Ivanka, thinks they’re a dumb ladymag full of nothing but penis touching tips and other questionable advice, but their political reporting is actually pretty damn good.

I searched “below average” and got a nice selfie.

How were they able to do a colonoscopy with his head in the way?

I wouldn’t say no to either.

Kourtney Kardashian is “secretly” fucking with Scott Disick, which is how all people should fuck Scott Disick.

A GREAT POINT MADE BY MY COLLEAGUE STASSA and furthermore LET’S ALL LISTEN TO WHAT STASSA JUST SAID

1. Go to vet school

What I love most about living in America is that I don’t have to choose between confirmation of pro-athlete rapist stereotypes and finance bro rapist stereotypes.

Well you don’t just start off by raping someone at Sundance.

I’ve eaten sandwiches weighing more than 3 lbs. I hope that qualifies as a workout!

Close but no cigar.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I hate myself.

“We consume 500 million straws each day. The equivalent of 127 school buses filled with straws. It’s disgusting, ” Adrian Grenier declares the minute I sit down, brandishing a plastic straw that the waiter had forgotten to remove. “There should be children in those school buses, going to school, to learn, not straws,”…

Oh, and I want to add that I mean no disrespect to SAHMs. My point is that his target audience is likely not as invested in full parental leave for both parents. “Make America Great Again” means “The 50's were a swell time. Let’s do it that way again.”

Sing a song of Mike Pence
A pocket full of lies
Four-and-twenty half-truths baked into a pie

Jesus, you scared me for a minute there.