"MICHAEL! Why haven't you changed the baby's diaper yet???"

.... how often is Ashton Kutcher in public restrooms?

In my imagination, he's so super famous they erect one whenever he has the need. (Meanwhile, since he's also Kelso in my imagination, he stands nearby and giggles at the word "erect.")

I hate Sam Smith so goddamn much.

I sell swimwear for a living, if you want to get at those low cut swimsuits and want to avoide slippage: allow me to introduce LENNY!!!

I NEED CONTEXT

i remember seeing this story in Brazzers

Maybe she was having a bad face day. It's a thing, I'm having one today.

She did! And we all got the sad little alert that she tried. It was a total fail all around.

I do that, too. I also recently instituted a practice of making the "To" field the last thing I fill in, so I don't accidentally send it before I'm ready.

My in laws bought me a Bluetooth Selfie stick. I thought it was sweet of them but I've used it precisely one time because I'm an adult.

As my grandma used to wisely tell me "The walls have ears".

Especially if you have those cubicle half-walls.

Yeah, my Dad lives in a small town, like 363 people, and he won't keep his money in a local bank because he says the tellers are all gossips and everybody in town will know your bank balance. Same at the Post Office.

Oh geez. That is tough. Usually I have a rule - if I'm writing an email with anything even a little sensitive, I imagine that it's going to get forwarded to the person I LEAST want it to get forwarded to, and I read it as if I were them. Usually this leads to me either rephrasing what I'm writing (switching from "if…

I had a co-worker a decade or so ago who would get in massive fights on the phone with his mistress. Half the office attended his wedding (and also answered his calls), so we all knew he wasn't talking to his wife, and he had something of a hearing problem, so he probably had no clue that 20+ other people could hear…

Cant forget about this one...

Dear Professor Segal:

We may be hoes, but at the very least we can make better choices than Chris Brown.

"When people first meet me, they always think that I'm a bitch," says Ashley Benson of Spring Breakers and Pretty Little Liars. "I always get called that. Always. Because I don't talk."

Yeah, but Surfboard.