SIRI IS TRYING TO TAKE YOUR SEX AND CHEESE AWAY FROM YOU. SKYNET IS REAL THE BATTLE HAS BEGUN

OKAY I HAD THE CORRECT THAN AND MY PHONE AUTOCORRECTED SIRI IS CONSTANTLY TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK SUPER DUMB ON THE INTERNET AND IT IS HURTING MY FEELINGS

You guys, I feel wicked bad for Beyoncé. She is pushing yet another diet into the collective American society because .... she needs the money, I guess? How'd she spend all her money already??

If you don’t eat cheese you ain’t flawless.

If a Vegan does crossfit, what do they rush to tell you about first?

Fuck you Beyonce you will pry my stilton cheese from my cold dead fingers.

I think because he’s a talented comedic and dramatic actor?

What’s a 19 Day Arm? I’ve had mine for 23 years, those arms sound pathetic.

Okay, so remember the guy who dumped me at his family reunion? About five months later, I stopped by for the ol’ picking-up-the-crap-you-left-at-your-ex’s-place-but-want-back visit. Now, he’d bought a house earlier that year, and while it was perfectly nice, he was doing a complete renovation. When we were together,…

On the opposite side of the spectrum, I expect amazing celebrations for my birthday. But I orchestrate them myself because I’m a grown-ass adult. “No cards or gifts please: just come to my home and imbibe all this lovely alcohol I’ve purchased for all of us as we dance and karaoke and game.”

If you feel faint from all the wanting, there’s a sofa drive.

I only hide them I think because idiots will go Ooooh she’s bitchy cos she’s bleeding profusely from her vagina. And then I’ll have to stab them. And hospitals are really reluctant to hire you if you stab enough people without orders to do so.

I stared at him for like a full minute before paying. I think I might have said something along the lines of “Are you fucking for real right now?”

blood.

they did that with Tyra Sanchez too and I was dissappointed when she won. She was mean, looked gorgeous but had no personality and wasn’t fun to watch plus was kinda dumb. I felt like she won on looks. While Pandora Boxx and Jujubee I found much more entertaining.

toothbrush holder looks like an anatomical heart