You know the old expression, “a man must have a comb?” Well in this case, I’ve misplaced mine somewhere and I fear it may never be recovered. Think about it.

Couldn’t agree more. It’s like, if Bud Lite wants to sponsor a pickup truck race from Florida to Oklahoma called “The Trail of Beers,” who are we to stop them? We are no one, that’s who we are. Think about it.

If Kevin Durant really wants to make his mark on this series, he’ll man-up and clock Steph Curry right in the mouth. I bet his uncle Roberto can teach him how to throw a right hook that’ll really make a mark (meaning cause bruising) and also change the face of the series (the face of the series being Steph Curry’s…

Not everything is about current events—for example, if you read a history book, it is about events in the past. Think about it.

Taking offense is like building a fence—you have to do it all alone and it takes a lot of time, and the things you think are nails are actually slender dog turds, and you pick them up and you get slender turd on your hands and then who’s gonna give you a kiss at the supermarket? Not Hannah, the twenty-something bag…

I don’t wanna hear it, Mara.

MK64 or GTFO

Welcome to the corporate world, buddy! It’s shocking and disgusting that it took you this long to figure it out, but when you work for an organization with millions of dollars on the line, shit, even an organization with thousands of dollars on the line, you do as you’re told, like it or not. You need to suck it the…

Laugh it up, Petchesky. Some people said I’d never make it with the name “chid,” and look at me now! Plenty of free time, sleeping rent-free on a queen Aerobed in a 1,000 sq. foot basement, getting tens of Kinja stars a day!

How the mighty have fallen! Just last season, Russell Wilson was a paragon of sexual virtue, and now that he is engaged to be wed, he’s talking about fucking another man’s wife! I expect this kind of sex-crazed lunacy from the National Hockey League, but not the NFL. Fire Goodell.

I think it’s spelled #haettake when you’re talking about the Heat on the world wide web.

Fun as heaven, you mean! Heaven is the fun place—hell is the place where bad guys go. Be a good guy and go to heaven—that’s what I say. It’s fun there. They have like one of those Golden Corral chocolate fountains and you can watch as much TV as you want and nobody makes you clean your room there.

Get with the times, Grandpa. Whitey Ford hasn’t started a game in like 30 years.

I said what I meant. And another thing, Torre barely uses Strawberry anymore. I know he’s not a reliable everyday player, but in a platoon with Gardner, I think he’s still got enough pop to do some damage.

Joe Torre, that’s what I said. And I doubt the fans at the house that Ruth built would approve of you speaking this way.

I think you mean the “Y2K Virus.” A virus is a cold that’s super strong and kills people.

That’s one thing I hate about poker—you can only double down in certain situations. At some arcades they have something called “Wacky Poker” where you can double down whenever you want to. That’s the best way to play, in my opinion.

Metaphorically, I agree. They’re really been a lost franchise since then. Barely eeking out any wins. They play more like the goddamn Royals these days. Pathetic. Sad. Laughing stock of baseball.

The coach of the NY Yankees. Maybe you’ve heard of him? He likes pitching changes and wears a hat and a uniform like the players do.

I realize he’s exercising his freedom of speech, but I hope Joe Torre realizes that whenever you protest in this country, you get what’s coming to you. Don’t come crying to me when your New York Yankees get punched in the face and pepper-sprayed by angry white men with rat tails, Joe Torre.