You’ll just have a belated birthday party. When you can enjoy it. Sorry you have to wait like this though Look forward to your new year.

and fucking bad clams

Ohhh damn. You win, that’s terrible. Hopefully you’ll get to treat yo’ self to something you really want/want to do when you feel better to make for it.

Oh my god, that fuuuuucking sucks. I am so sorry. but happy birthday...? 

You literally created lives. You don’t need to feel guilt over the weight you gained bc dem healthy babies are gaining more weight and height than you put on growing them.

Hi Jezzies. Anyone else spending the weekend at home and not sure if they’re lonely?? I know this is oddly specific.

Get a dog. It sounds weird but stay with me. Disordered eating in my experience has to do with control and some interalized self loathing for things that aren’t your fault.

I like you.

In November of last year, I opened the front door to my house without any shoes on—as I had done probably thousands of times in my life— and somehow the door caught my big toe at just the right angle that it completely ripped the nail from the toe.

Imagine being the person who married the ugliest one out of all the Trumps.

I am loving that it seems like Omarosa taped every goddamn conversation for the past 2 years lololololol

If she’s ever watched Omarosa in action, she never would have trusted her in the first place.

A friend of mine gained a pet Crow after finding it abandoned in a bush when it was in it’s infancy. She took it in and cared for it until she thought it was ready to leave. however, the crow didn’t want to leave. It ended up following her everywhere! to the store, on her way to school it would sit by the windows of…

“caw caw!  cough cough!”

SHUT YOUR MOUTH!! Birds are awesome and you are just jealous because you can’t fly and they can.

One can argue she peaked with “Mean Girls.” ;)

Egghh. So. Much. White people’s. Arrhythmic. Dancing.
Thank goodness this Dirt Bag came with an Adam Rippon chaser.

It’s a cornucopia of try-hard “hippie” “bohemian” scarf/“tribal”necklace-wearers who probably all have more money than I’ll ever make in my life who love to play the pauper artist.

I had a gazillion years of farts a deux before finally getting my own bed. Saved our marriage. But in my daytime fantasy the gypsy kings are playing for us and we are still optimistic and beautiful.

So. Many. Scarves.