I guess my main question is, who still wants to fuck Ozzy Osbourne?

C’mon, don’t you remember the parable of the Bad Samaritan??

I don’t know about you, but my favorite part of The Bible is when Jesus yelled “no bread for that poor gay democrat!” at the feeding of the multitude. Classic Jesus.

His come to Jesus moment will happen when he reaches retirement age.

I so want somebody to talk about the need of more gun control that I do not care.

Can we talk about the fact that Kathy Ireland is the one who broke the story?! Everything about this is bonkers.

My intention is to look like this at that age. No more natural look.

It was hilarious!

hahaha I’m sorry if I’m wrong but that’s kind of hilarious. I mean, in the tone of voice I’m assuming. I’m basically picturing my dad because that’s the kind of thing he’d say.

“You need to lose 10lbs off your butt” - THE LAST WORDS MY GRANDMOTHER SAID TO ME BEFORE SHE HAD A STROKE AND BECAME NONVERBAL AND DIED.

...And that was the last time I saw my mother!

“I have had 5 kids and I am not as fat as you” my mom to me at the first xmas I brought my husband to. She then attempted to make out with my husband in the bathroom and when he rebuffed her, asked her boyfriend to kick his ass. She was not drunk.

I was about 12. My dad had buddies over to watch hockey or some such. I was asked to bring snacks, etc. into the room for them. One or two of them made digs at me about having “small tits”. My dad agreed with them, and some other sort of joke was made. My face burned, and something inside me broke. Totally stopped…

You win for Best Comeback.

My dad used to joke when I had braces that all I needed in addition to those railroad tracks were glasses and then I would never find a husband.

Dad when I was 15: “You could stand to lose a few...” I was around 135 then...and I’m 5’7”.

Patti! PATTI!! On my own! Why did it end this way!! Come on, Patti! Bitch, you turn INTO Patti after eating this.

Stealing a phone is bad enough. But stealing a phone from a professional athlete? Who is likely to be able to catch you AND handle you easily once they do? Class one balls, foolio. He better be glad she gave him a way out.

It somehow feels even more tragic that she was believed by:

My literal first thought was that girl needs to get out of there, she can come and stay with me for christ’s sake