They'll walk you through it in the next issue of Cosmo.

It’s too bad, because pissing off bros is the best. Dude comics have no fucking idea what to do with funny women. I had a guy once tell me that basically he was pissed when he saw he had to share the bill with a female comic, but I was actually funny! And he’s so glad I didn’t just talk about my vagina for the whole…

[W]hile the subject of much of Schumer’s stand-up material is radically, shockingly modern . . .

“Her heart was as black as her yoga pants, and just as unforgiving.”

Ms Coffee, a feminist Jew lady, walks in with a coffee in one hand and a handful of tampons in the other. Both refreshingly hip and wickedly old fashioned she’s unafraid to crack whipsharp jokes harkening to the wonder years. “Hey,” Ms coffee said leaning over, her lady breasts gleaming with sugar, “what’s black and…

Right? Thank you, Captain Obvious! *hurts self rolling eyes*

I tell her about the time [Joan] Rivers was on an overnight flight, and as it was about to land, the flight attendant leaned down to offer her breakfast. “Chicken and eggs?” said Rivers. “On the same plate? What is that, the mother-daughter special?” Schumer lets out a big laugh, as it is classic Joan but it is also a…

Much like South Park, Schumer fearlessly tackles taboo subjects like incest and bodily excretions, except she’s a person, not a cartoon.

a New York Jew with a copy of the Times tucked into her bag.

I love that Vogue considers Schumer’s totally unsurprising fondness for the New York Times to be a literary eccentricity requiring ethnographic contextualization:

Yeah, seriously no idea. I used to fall for that “I’m a nice guy!” Nonsense. Then I learned that men who are truly nice don’t feel the need to advertise it constantly because they are just nice. Their actions speak for themselves.

For the love of all that’s holy and unholy, avoid the comment sections on Facebook & Youtube. Masculinity so fragile.

That... did not suck. I even let out some apprehensive chuckles!

That would kind of be a good interview question/trick. “Oh, I see on your resume you that you have a strong attention to detail. When you entered my office I had a goat standing next to me. I left with the goat and returned with A goat, but is it the same goat?”

They had sex before this! They had sex before this! No!

OH MY GOD I CAN FINALLY POST THIS PIC!!!!!!:

Of course, yes. Having the perfect spouse? That’s worth screwing a goat and then some.

Black Mirror flashback.