"While everyone's eyes are closed, firmly grasp the crotch of your sweetheart in your hand and begin kneading until firm and/or moist (moooiiiiisssssstttt)"

That looks delicious.

I was. We had a story that was out of a rom-com. We couldn't get enough of each other and moved in together in less than 3 months. It was a whirlwind but honestly, the story kept us together longer than we should've.

I honestly don't know who these people who shop on Black Friday are. I always thought they were the olds (Baby Boomers). Or maybe I'm not a millennial after all?

No shit! I want to go hug my dog now...

I'm pretty sure I see nipple. I would've side-eyed too...

Frank Langella?

Because we all know the source is her BFF, her publicist. Anyways, what's the deal with pregnant ladies and pickles and cold dairy products?

It's stuff like this that makes me migrate from Gawker to here though. But also #penis .

I'm glad someone remembers how to use some of the unused fonts in MSWord.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. That's just too crazy!

Well, I'm totally donating. Please let me know if you can tell the difference between various Nickelback songs.

Yep. Still waiting for THAT person to whip out some anthropology study or some shit.

No. I think she just needs to wear the right dress size. Oh you, butt wiping tabloids!

I am still trying to understand how SUPERSAD IS A SURNAME.

Will pay to watch.

Martha also has street cred. JAIL BITCHES!

Okay, Blake. Whatever you say.

I don't understand this site. I don't understand what the hell it is.

This post made my day. No...my week. No....my month.