The Sharpie fumes made him do it.

By that metric (and several others), I presumably share one or more genetic Lego blocks with Elsie the Cow from the Elmer’s White Glue bottle.

Now she’ll have a few free days to finish her Felisha costume.

God DAMN it.

Hold your calls, we have our T-Shirt of the Week:

When you’re right, you’re right.

I dunno what that means, but imma go ahead and star it anyways.

The only appropriate role for Jared Kushner would be a brief appearance as “The First” in the unaired pilot episode of Buffy the Douchebag Slayer.

Not just strange, but inaccurate. He came home with 100 of his closest friends.

I was thinking the same, until I noticed, to my horror, the concentration on the right side of the wheel.

I have a closet full of items like this. I can’t get rid of them because they were gifts, and I can’t set them out anywhere because they’re fucking ridiculous.

That style has a certain East Euro ring to it.

Who is this young woman and why is she in my house?

Pfft.  If I had that kind of money, no one would ever see me again.

In other news, that GIF is such a bullseye-accurate metaphor for my sex life, it’s not even funny.

Thank you, universe, for this headline. Seriously.

OH my goodness!

Whoa! That’s an easy win for T-Shirt of the Week:

Stupid shit like this happens on such a regular basis, the fast-food places should just come up with a special complimentary dessert item for the occasion.  Call it a Tort Torte.

Yeah, the only way this would’ve been close to appropriate would be to offer something like a VISA gift card, giving the customer the option to use it anywhere else on the planet.