I was perfect for this except I don’t know what a sentence is,

Funny you say that !!!  I totally get it !  

I am now picturing Samer pitching this story in the Deadspin Slack, getting zero positive responses, and publishing it anyway

His whole quote was like the kid died or something. “Heavy heart,” “picking up the pieces,” like damn dude relax it’s the friggin Cardinals.

“So, I’m trying to pick up the pieces,” Fitzgerald said. “I have to be a better father.”

A couple tricky sodas: Barq’s in the Coke Freestyle machines is labelled as caffeine-free. They also claim it’s caffeine free in Utah.  At this point I don’t trust that someone hooks up the right syrup container to risk it.  Also, Sunkist Orange Soda contains caffeine, which is totally unexpected.

pretty sexist to describe a 28 year old female journalist as a child

Cutler retired man, let it go.

My 75 year old mom, who loves baseball and has been going to games since 1950, has absolutely no faith in Kimbrel at all, and has texted me that nearly every game the past two seasons. When she didn’t text me during Game 4 vs the Yankees, I got really worried and was getting ready to go do a wellness check. (She was…

The key to tell where the fan’s hands are is that crease in the orange padding. Right before it is where the collision happens, although not exactly since it’s not a straight ahead shot, but it’s only off by a bit.

The issue isn’t where the fans were when they touched the ball. It is where they touched Betts’ glove. That happened several frames before the still photos everyone is sharing. Hard to be sure but they were reaching out and could easily be a foot past the wall. West thought they interfered with the fielder on a…

I saw the video of the people who went to this festival. This was a victimless crime.

As a Pats fan, I wholeheartedly agree. So glad they took that down, balled it up, sends threw it in a closet somewhere. 

And how often is it in verse for easy oral transmission through future generations?

Canseco ran through a cycle in ‘88.

So the announcers by the 7th inning were suggesting that both managers would be happy to end the game right then, but this seems counter-intuitive to me. Wouldn’t Cora want to bleed the NY bullpen as much as possible, potentially limiting the options they have for game 4, while also building the confidence of their…

Guess not.  Maybe you can write a book on how to be a complete dipshit on the internet and they can read that?

I’ve been thanked as a groomsman by the groom for ‘standing up with me today’ or something to that effect, but I’ve never heard anyone use ‘standing up’ in lieu of saying ‘in the wedding / in the wedding party’ or specifically saying what role (bridesmaid, groomsmen, etc.).

Chicago.  We make’em stand at the altar round these parts.  Builds character