Can you please please please stop setting the videos on autoplay when you post them?

Also, I now want to start calling my ob/gyn my “abortionist”

This pretty much says it all about this guy and his ilk:

Pfft. Where’s my goddamn Bud Light?!

The last Etsy purchase I made was this leather bag. It is perfect in every way. I love it. I want to climb into it and use it as a sleeping bag. I want to marry it. I want to make sweet leathery love to it. I really dig my new bag is what I’m saying.

A relationship borne out of infidelity has pretty high odds of not lasting. Why? If they are willing to cheat with you, they are willing to cheat on you.

I ordered deep-dish pizza in Chicago on the night of the blizzard of New Years 1999. I had just flown back from LA and had no food in the house. Having heard the weather report I skipped the Blue Line and just took a cab straight from OHare to Hyde Park, worth every penny, because the snow was just starting to come…

Is it like satay? Because I like satay.

We don’t swim in your grave, please don’t die in our pool? (And sorry. I’m done with the dark humor.)

I have never understood bags (or any other piece of clothing) covered in logos. I think they are fugly as hell, and make the consumer an active participant in brand marketing. I laugh whenever I see “posh” women sporting these, since to me it shows they are so desperate for attention and an acknowledgement of their…

I have an anti-abortion, anti-contraception, anti-vaccine friend. She had the nerve to make a Facebook post about how unconstitutional she found this law, because vaccination should be a personal choice. It took all I had not to type “roflmao"

This was my favorite of the joke submissions that I saw:

E! is just trolling now. Who gives a fuck about spin instructors lives (no offence to spin instructors, just no interest in watching your lives on tv like 99% of other jobs).

False. Southwest is the Greyhound Bus of the skies.

I worked in a nursing home that served boiling hot coffee that the residents always complained was too cold so we always had to nuke it in the microwave. Well, the state came in and we got cited for having coffee so hot it could actually burn people if spilled. In order to comply with state, we had to turn down the…