as an eagles fan I’m sure all eagles fans will handle this statement with compassion and understanding.

It’s not enough that Kirk Cousins took RG3’s job, now he’s rubbing it in by taking bad knees as well?

“I can do for you what I did for Ryan Howard and Ryan Zimmerman!” is the worst drug dealer pitch of all time.

♫ HGH you work so gooooood ♫

Haven’t read the article yet. I’m grumpy. Hate Xmas,. But in response to the headline: until modern society stops tolerating mass shootings pretty much everyday, including the slaughter of 6 yr old kids at school, modern society has no right to be shocked by anything. Fuck Xmas and fuck America.

You are a soulless monster.

One other thing to consider - Drew’s bowl of Vomit Salmon probably costs about $7 to make. A decent platter with a couple varieties of soppresata and salami, prosciutto, mortadella, some pepperoni for the philistines, roasted peppers,olives and a couple of nice cheeses is gonna run upwards of $50 pretty easily.

Dude, orphan holidays are the best! (Presuming you’re not an actual orphan without a family, of course. That probably sucks. But I’m talking the kind where you’ll be alone once). I’ve never experienced Christmas that way, but I did have an orphan Thanksgiving this year for the first time, and it was single-handidly…

Fine Kinja. The last two sentences are a masterpiece.

Sadly, Brook was also confused about the continual Darth Vader breathing noises that accompanied the movie.

This is 100% true.

You forgot one. The best spoiler-free line isn’t really line, but rather a ‘thumbs up’.

Reader Brandon sent me a list of every Gronk description on Deadspin a while back, which I’ve updated since then. Here’s everything we have:

Hey asshole, you were the one creaming over Pryor’s production against fucking children. Sorry if you took an unneccessary level of umbrage at me implying that he might not stand out so much against the best in the fucking world.

How I picture Ellie and Joanna

Trump walked past me at CPAC this year. The hallway was very crowded and his body guards had him stop right next to me. We made eye contact. I don’t know how or why my reflex was this, but as soon as our eyes met, I aggressively pointed at him and screamed “YOU KILLED THE USFL!!”
He looked completely bewildered and was…

My SUPER Italian grandfather used to always yell at me for not calling sauce “gravy.” I got the last laugh, though—he had a heart attack and died in his sleep.

Here’s a fun little trick that I learned from Gene Weingarten and like to occasionally pass along. When you remove all the vowels from Reince Priebus’s name you are left with RNC PR BS. You don’t even need to rearrange them.