“Some artists need to play a character to achieve success,” said Jimmy.

Everyone, on BOTH sides, should stop with the fucking medical diagnoses. Now.

“Mine was sexier.”

And I can’t tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue. Or my fingers. I’m also not talented and beautiful.

I love how this thread is turning into “You don’t follow football, do you?”

I would probably show Usain Bolt my tits if I got to wear a gold medal for a little while.

The would-be robber was arrested. I know this because I was there when the cop read him his rights:

$50 and he’s yours.

That was a gun in his pants? I thought he was just glad to see me.

i just choked on my water

Did Gwen better than Gwen. Britney is Back Bitches!

So this one time our house flooded and the plumber’s bill was like $3000 dollars, so my mom charged it. A while later the plumbing company calls and says my mom’s card got declined which is weird because she has a VERY HIGH limit and the card is completely paid off. Anyway, turns out that the credit card company was…

Hildabeast Clinton and the Vagenda of Manocide is probably my least favourite JK Rowling book.

he took a wheel in ibiza

I watch horror movies a little weirdly, where I have to read the entire plot and get nice and spoiled before going to see it. I like to be prepared, I guess. Does anyone know where I can read a detailed plot of this movie? It looks great!

Oh gosh, sorry, I hope it didn’t come across like ‘The Toast did it first, you HACKS!’, I just thought people might like to read The Toast one as well because I enjoy Mallory Ortberg a lot.

it is very much not a joke and it is honestly rude of you to assume so

“especially since what he experiences at Murder Daddy’s hands is a series of little deaths”

Ya know Rich this is actually a very specific fantasy I have and I don’t appreciate you mocking my deep seated psycho-emotional trauma.