I’ve already done a lot of complaining but... my mom was wearing a safety pin on her shirt today. I hesitantly asked her what was going on there. “I’m raising awareness,” she said happily, and then I died

LaComtesse had a blue check also, so I thought “just go with it” but srsly wtf

Just, not to try and compete for world’s worst human, but since we’re venting...I thought I could leave her in the shower while I cleaned up the kitchen. I came in to find her standing with the shower door open, holding the removable shower head, sweeping it gently across the room, soaking EVERYTHING. “All clean up.…

You do have the blue check, FYI. Can you not see it? Hmm.

But I when I ask her how old she is she says 26. Sometimes she just says 6. Or “two minutes”. I fuckjng love her, but she’s the worst

Bonus info: she repeatedly pushed my forehead skin together and said “oh look, yous a fossil”. She kept putting more in her mouth than she knew she could chew, then crying and regurgitating it “too many bites!”. She smacked me in the face with the instructions to a game we were playing. She peed on the floor twice…

Also, do you know why we have blue checks by our avatars and not others? Is it The Mark of the Beast™?

Lol thank you. All the parenting books tell me they stop being total shits around 4-5yrs, thank you for stifling that false hope.

I feel helpless with my kid sometimes, it seems like she hates me. She’s not yet 3, so I know I’m being a dumbass, but it just sucks to get smacked in the face by someone you live for. She is usually so cool, but today she was decidedly not chill. I think she knows her dad is going to be out of town for a few weeks…

Part of the reason that you live in a safe society is thanks to our military. Nobody said every war is good. And now we only have a couple spots reserved for people we show respect to? Nurses and firefighters, got it, that’s your approved list of people you can show respect to who would fight for your life. You can…

That’s fair enough, and even-handed, and a far cry from what the OP stated. Criticizing the military is one thing—denouncing “the vets culture” that feeds “ridiculous jingoism” is another. Our military serves a peace-keeping role around the world, they defend more than just American freedoms.

I hate to publish my text exchange with nanny again because it felt creepy enough the first time around, but she told me flat out she voted for trump because of “the new Hillary investigation”. People don’t actually read and gather facts anymore. Votes are easily swayed by misinformation gleaned off Facebook.

Wooah are you fucking serious? You’re going to rail against honoring veterans? That is some spoiled shit. Not all veterans have served in wars, but they have all served you, you ungrateful little turd. Also, lol re: “vets culture”. wtf is that make believe bs

The week my big sister died in a car accident. It was during finals week in high school, and I didn’t want to go home because it was too sad being home, so I just sat through my finals in a daze. I kept calling her from the campus pay phone just to hear her voice on her answering machine. And I left a few messages…

Always had an aversion to ketchup. From what I gather, it’s my loss.

I tried potato chips in the ranch dressing today. Dare I call it refreshing

Dig it out?! No girl. That’s what Obamacare is for. Or bran! Get some bran and yogurt

Every political thread with everyone boohooing, I’m like “I AM EATING MY FEELINGS CAN YOU GUYS JUST SHARE THESE NACHOS WITH ME?” People be talkin too much, not orderin enough dips!

I’ve been with enough Matthews to know you either compulsively wash your hands OR you curl up at night like a hamster in a trash cage in a relentless effort to get closer to the smell of your colon. Either way, I hate and love you

Firstly, I’ve been trying to make froke happen since ‘99 so if your ass wants to finally get on board, be my guest.