I haven't had eggs in about 30 years. I detest them. And even I would know how to order scrambled eggs in a restaurant. "Mix the eggs?" How do you want your burger? "Round."

Also, for shits and gigs, read the comments on the actual OXJane article. You know how its all usually "you go girl! no one should critisise anyone else appearance" etc etc. and THEY"RE all saying "she has cold heartless dead eyes" then someone else says "dont say that, she's clearly an arsehole but that has nothing…

except for cocktail waitresses in busy bars, they get double. I had a beautifully pleasant and marvellous woman get me a few round of waters and I think i ended up giving her about $20. Why? Cos she was prepared to battle her way through a drunken busy bar crowd and get me cups of water cos i'm too lazy and lame to…

Fuck this bitch. You're paying ME for the service, ME. You're paying my employer for the space you're in and the products you're consuming, but *I* am taking the service charge. And (as I'm a bartender) I will ignore your sorry arse if you dont tip that first/second time. AND I DONT EVEN FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT!!!!

OH MY GOD.

This is an appropriate place to share a story from earlier this week! I saw Adrian Grenier and Zoe Kravitz in Austin on Wednesday night; we shared a waiter at a small restaurant. Not only was Adrian acting like a total asshole and attention whore, after he left our waiter showed us his receipt— and the little fucker…

HOW IS BABBY FORMED? HOW GIRL GET PREGNANT?

Yes, and part of the social contract as currently constructed is that you are expected to tip, because by not doing so, the only person you are punishing is your server.

WHAT ARE PURPLE.

The art of tipping is, for most people, really freaking annoying. How much is too much? How much is too little? Is this the only reason I had to learn how to calculate percentages in 5th grade?

THIS IS NOT A DRILL, PEOPLE! WE ARE AT DOUCHECON FIVE!

I know when I'm over feeling guilty about something, the first thing I do is shop around a 900-word blog post about it.

Jaden Smith was having a bad day, I see.

There are two surveys showing that nearly all sexual assualts are committed by serial rapists who assault lots and lots of people. Looks like Cam was another one. :-(

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Are we sharing bad public proposal stories? Cos I've got one. So, I used to work at a halloween themed theatre restaurant where the servers had to dress up like sexy witches. You had to book a table to go there and people mostly came for work do's, christmas parties, birthdays, family things, you get the drift.…

HBO made a great documentary about obesity. Part of it showed people who have lost weight and what they are doing now. One woman went from 400 something pounds to 200 something pounds. Even though she was still over 200 pounds, she did look great and claimed to feel great too. So she was happy with where she had got…

The genius of Joan Rivers on that show is while everyone one was simpering and giggly and making risqué comments, Joan would crash in with some hideous, un-PC, hilarious thing that your drunk grandma would say, which would make you guilty laugh. Its been said before and I'll beat the dead horse again- it was Joan's…

I read it as future Mom and future Dad met at his brother's wedding and liked each other, but another (younger) brother also liked future Mom, so future Dad fought younger brother over her. Winner became Dad and married Mom. Loser became Uncle and got over crush on Mom. Other brother, whose wedding it was, also…

Generally in Texas, those three years are referred to as "fourth grade".