Oh come on. At best they were dinner forks, and more likely salad forks.

All told, I suppose that’s very nice of her.

Apparently all cardiac arrests look the same.

Kevin, you’re such a disease.

How could any human truly understand what it means to be made of paper mache?

How would he know that your leg is falling asleep?

Will: Pay for a taller spire on the Eiffel Tower, boost cigarette sales, provide ample opportunities for tourists to experience the world-famous Parisian disdain for foreigners

So, we can stop talking about the stock market as an indicator of economic health, right?

Even a rock fight requires some arm strength.

This is like when you eat a gas station burrito, and you think “this is the grossest thing I’ve ever seen,” but then you shit it out.

+0 lateral quickness

Just call it the chumpionship

I’m in charge of apps, I bought prosciutto, asparagus, goat cheese, cream cheese, fig jam, and puff pastry. I’ll figure it out tomorrow.

Pie crust is a pain in the ass? It’s so goddamn easy. Buy one of these things, which also looks like a sick martial arts weapon, and you can make a crust in 10 minutes.

He was split on his decision for a while, but decided not to spare any more time and strike while the iron was hot.

Just DM a random twitter handle, you’ve got at at least 40% odds

He shiraz.

Just go back to bed and make Ley handle it, he’s got nothing better to do.