How is anyone ever surprised when comedians get political? Did I hallucinate George Carlin and Bill Hicks?

Let’s be honest, if they wanted to do a modern reboot of Dracula, the most clever way to do it would be a found footage film with a ton of viral marketing and media tie-ins, turning the epistolary format of the novel into a modern mixed media juggernaut. But it’d never happen for a lot of really dumb reasons.

I cringed when I remembered he was in Home Alone 2. Then I remembered he was in The Little Rascals as Waldo’s dad. You remember Waldo, right? He was the villain? Rigged the talent show, cheated at the race, dumped Darla immediately when she called him out on his bullshit? It’s as if they knew there could only be one…

I’m just going to put this here. Wish I could watch the whole thing.

What’s particularly terrifying is when you think, “how do they keep from being cheated on?” I can only think of a few possible answers and they’re all sickening.

I feel so bad for Satan right now. The scheduling issues this must be causing... Every time Trump opens his mouth, he has to scrap his plans and start over.

Have a couple more:

Deplorable.

I’m trying to think of a clever joke referencing the time Bernie Sanders kept calling Wolf Blitzer “Jake” but I’m just not running at full speed right now, so...that’s it, I guess. No need to keep typing. I can stop any time now. Yup. That’s good enough. Stop it. STOP IT. Okay, I’m done now. Seriously. For real. Done…

“I’ll support him but I won’t defend him.” Fucking what?

“Oh, absolutely,” replied Trump. In fact, slice that number in half. Stern followed up by asking if Trump has an age limit. Trump said he does, of course, “12-year-olds.”

What a fucking idiot you are.

Imagine what kids are going to have to read in their history textbooks in a few years.

Oh come on, do we really need to resort to such childish insults? What did the worms and the horse crap do to deserve such hateful remarks? Comparing them to Sean Hannity like that... You should be ashamed.

Can you honestly tell me you’d say the same thing if it was the other way around?

He feared for his life. Why is that a valid excuse for trained police officers and not civilians?

Gotta love how everyone replying to you is ignoring the very simple hypocrisy you’ve explained for them.

What’s it like living in the Judge Dredd universe? In our universe there’s this thing called “the right to due process” and it’s pretty neat. Unfortunately young black men seem to not have that right.

Trump treats alienating and insulting different groups of people like Pokémon. He simply MUST catch them all.

Where in the world is James Cameron when you need him?