your promises mean nothing! The last time I believed in cards, I was tossed from the casino.

But the spit takes while drinking are worse. 

Rodents of Unusual Superness? I don’t believe they exist.

Organic and pesticide-free are not necessarily the same. USDA certified organic food prohibits most but not all synthetic fertilizers and pesticides.

You can only see the ghosts at night when nobody else is around, though!

The first step is dumping all the toppings into the compost bin -- if you are careful about tilting it, the bun should still survive. Then you slather it in ketchup and take a bite.

Apparently there was just a single digit difference between the train numbers, so he might have meant to harass his co-passenger after all.

If someone asks if they’re a god, I say yes. 

If I understand it, he got into an argument with a lady in train 1. From train 1, he called the police to report a bomb on train 2 (so not SWATting the woman in train 1; still something that deserves criminal punishment, but not connected to the argument).

You can buy flavacol salt and coconut oil for home use (which brings it at least really close to movie theater popcorn).

Who was he to resist a stereotype? His children need wine!

... you do realize avatars are not what people actually look like in real life, right?

It’s like he stands for nothing at all. Nothing at all

Red Robin’s seasoning helps deal with the limitations of the form. It’s everywhere else that steak fries are most disappointing.

On the one hand, 30 Rock. On the other hand, her horrible alcoholic therapist on Kimmy Schmidt.

A May-December romance between Joanna Bond and Diana Jones, as one of Jones’s final digs becomes of interest to her Majesty’s secret service.

Providence Plantations Jones should be good for an awkward quip or two.

That’s not actually the way the book develops it ( I haven’t seen the movie yet). In the book, he’s a lonely loser who basically finds solace working on a lottery dream. Sure, he has some success with his trivia prowess, but there’s a good chunk of the book where he literally stops using his computer and begins to…

Wait, if I get to go to the Bad Place with awesome food and everybody’s best friend, how bad could it be?

*Nobody* wants Tasslehoff.