For someone who is supposedly so privileged, he has really awful taste in food. I mean, you can get so much amazing cuisine in Mexico, and you go for fucking Dominoes? That makes me hate him even more, and I didn’t even think that was possible.

Result: Congrats! This Aspen retreat will upset you the most.

Spot on, baby. SPOT. ON. {Sob. Why can’t I live in the Colorado mountains??????? I don’t even need to be rich or in Aspen!!!}

Our kids attend the same school & every time I’m walking my Golden Retriever up to meet my youngest, Sarah cries and throws money. True story

I used to hate getting undressed as a child because I was afraid that angels were watching. If elf on a shelf had been a thing back then, I probably would have burned it and buried the ashes in the woods.

Sure. And I’M the bad mom for not doing any of this crap.

The cops still came to the house to check on Isabella and found her freaking out. “She was hysterical crying, she was panicking,”

The face of a man who isn’t getting paid enough to have to listen to this all day...

Aw, man. Navigating divorce with kids is like walking through a god damned minefield while blindfolded and crying. This has to be cutting them both to the core. :(

So glad I’m the only parent. I will never have to worry about these custody shit-shows (until my son runs away and begs to be made a ward of the state).

Quoting a relatively unoffensive Bible verse makes someone a Bible thumper? K.

You are exactly right and I toast my morning coffee to you.

Right?! I’ll take his disgusting money, it sure as shit shouldn’t go back to him. I’ve got surgery coming up.

IIRC, as a teenager, he had to sue his family to take control of it after they had spent a chunk of it. I also think he ended up financially supporting his younger siblings.

This looks awesome. Note: upon re-watching “Home Alone” with my son this year, he couldn’t believe how opulent the McCallisters’ home/neighborhood was — it’s a total time capsule of white, suburban ‘90s excess, including the casual option of flying 15 family members to Paris for the holidays. Kid-oriented movies and…

Trump is like a sentient Onion article that doesn’t realize it was born in satire.

At least you barf. I lose the white blood cells called neutrophils to such dangerously low levels, it’s a miracle I don’t get sick/develop infections. I baffled the hematologist with that until she finally conceded I am actually a mutant, like I’ve been saying all along.

Indeed. And Caitlyn running over people this season never got old. Buckle up, buckaroos!

Didn’t they give him one of the lego ones last year? (If they didn’t, then that was a hugely wasted opportunity.)

STOP TRYING TO KILL LEO AND GIVE HIM AN OSCAR UNIVERSE!!

Dear Britney,