How were they allowed to operate for so long? I parked my windowless grey van at the park by the elementary school and advertised “Free Puppy Playtime and Candy Tasting”, and got shut down in 3 hours.

Same. I read this over my 6 a.m. coffee, and my first thought was “Burn it down. Only flames can correct this.”

“Besides, where I live in Maryland, those candies run between $30-50.”

Top 3 funniest headlines ever

In the words of the late, great Dennis Miller, someone get Richard Grieco a mirror...

“I remember one night, I was making dinner and I was having a panic attack. I was crying, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and my heart was racing,” Azariah Baker, a 15-year-old taking care of a grandmother and niece in Chicago, told the Times. “But then my alarm went off for something in the oven.”

Whatever it takes to get them both off of Earth, I’m good to support.

I wouldn’t pay $600 for the steak, but gladly drop that much to use said steak as slapping tool for that most punchable face.

“It begins with a fried white corn shell, which is filled with a liquid layer of nacho cheese sauce that’s been mixed with a three-cheese blend. Next it’s filled with seasoned beef, reduced-fat sour cream, lettuce, tomatoes, and shredded cheddar.”

Just like green M&M’s, green lime skittles are reported to also make you horny. Sadly, they also make you super violent, which is a pretty poor combo, but welcome back lime! 

“I’m counting on that” said pedos everywhere

If you have a double digit IQ and your fingers don’t work so good, Heinz got you covered, village idiot. This just needs one of those commercials showing people flailing about in black and white, ketchup spraying the walls from a packet as there face contorts into ugly masks of horror, shame and regret. 

Yeah, but his ratings....

Funny, I was just telling the government of lizard people that same thing by speaking into my microchip filled covid injection site on my arm last week.

In no way should recording the sounds from your grown daughter’s bedroom indicate that you are a sexual predator, at all. 

“Snider fatally shooting his estranged wife and himself”

Look, it’s still better than what the French call it, “Fucking Limey Bastards Waste Time Making Fairy Cakes”.

I live next to the wealthiest high school in my state. I believe I can also make a strong case for teen murder.

I think Panama meant to type “area”, as in “Bow-Wow can still do area tours.”