*Tim Tschida ejects him*

Maybe he’ll do a ceremonial first 2-3 put out after throwing out an imposter Hillary who drops down a bunt, trying to sneak one by the American people.

I’d love to go with a visor but my front four teeth already got blown out once—unrelated to hockey—but you couldn’t get me to go through another four root canals and a set of veneers even if it was paid for. That was such a brutal set of dentist visits.

This is also the criteria for Bark At The Park. The Sox are just combining baseball operations and stadium operations now.

*checks wikipedia to see if football is now an olympic sport*

The Cubs win brought Chicago together as there were no reported murders for 12 hours after the game. It counts.

I like how the article starts off saying you don’t need to buy anything special, but then ends up telling you to ruin one of your existing spoons to fit that same purpose.

also, smile

When I think of a good way to celebrate my friend’s birthdays, forcefully sticking my finger(s) inside their anus seems like the best way to show them I care and appreciate them and wish to celebrate another year of life.

Now he’s even closer to China.

I read this post like the Chris Farley character “Bennet Brauer”. You should as well.

The whole play is confusing to me. Why is Perez receiving the ball in that manner (catch a ball at your ankles like you’re picking up a dropped item when you know someone is coming at you???), why is Butera coming into the plate like that (looks like he’s diving down a hill as a child trying to do a great roly-poly…

“five mics, five nights, hang ‘em from the balcony, drop ‘em twenty five flights” might be one of the best lines ever

The Colts will now hang a “Highest Vicodin Dosage Increase Finalist” banner from the rafters of the stadium.

Are we sure it’s not?

-3 minutes

Before you e-brake drift a Chevy Corsica across what appears to be 150 yards of a parking lot covered with fresh snow, consider investigating the area as there might be a curb hidden somewhere in that snow. You wouldn’t want to hit that possible curb at about 40 mph at opposite lock.

+1 beer cup in the corner full of piss