Waking up in the morning and cracking open my daily mail home page is I imagine what my father felt like when he would open up the old IJ in the morning. God I love it.

Ooh puuhlease. Gawker and Jezebel source so much material from the daily mail they should cut them a check.

Too bad. I left several years ago when all my favorite writers were leaving and I only recently returned under a different name. I feel like I missed a lot of laughs. Hope you decide to come back.

It’s happened before and it'll happen again.

Garnish with a donut hole? What a fussy fucking drink. I'll have the shot of tequila and save the bullshit.

Is Justin trying to give me sexy hamburglar? Stop.

Imagine when she gets older and starts inflating her face with fillers. Ahhhhhhh.

Well, at least one of us gets it.

Only the saddest thing you’ve ever read about it. I was just pointing you to some more juicy reading material.

I bet you googled that though, just to be sure.

Maybe just peruse her wiki page around 2007/2008 and then say with a straight face that turkey bacon is the saddest thing about Britney Spears.

You should be fine as long as you stop saying score some marijuana.

I don’t want to start a war, but I dont see the problem with Kylie’s braids. To me, it’s silly that in 2015 a 17 year old girl could really want to wear her hair in braids and not be able to because of public backlash. They are two girls, about the same age from the same place, it seems obvious they would like the…

Kim, you’re not fat, you’re pregnant. We get it. Put away the spanx. Poor baby needs to breath.

I'm getting a young Ashley Judd with a tiny bit of Keira Knightley.

Khloe can only do so much.

Penelope and North take Spring Break!

I don't know. Could be a nice dry aged New York steak.

I hope J Crew mercantile finds a way to fit a womans body. We have hips. J Crew currently takes issue with this concept.

This gem appears right below that: