No one who shills for Papa John’s cares about anyone’s health.

Which is exactly why I choose to eat only clothing from Bangladesh and wear only the finest cuts of beef.

When Wes Welker dies on the field, then we’ll stop giving these high risk guys opportunities. Who the fuck am I kidding, that last sentence was bullshit. Athletes die all the time and we still let them take significant risks to their health. It might stop when we don’t give money to billionaire assholes like Daniel…

The fighting experts will be here very soon to inform us all who would win in a real fight, and how little we know about fighting.

I would agree, although I don’t eat Oreos, I prefer Thin Mints by the sleeve.

Reporters just know the two were racing and there was a crash. We’re all assuming it’s Jackson, because (as you can see in the picture) there were no yards after contract.

Emmett, I love your picks but you can’t use the word clittings anymore. It’s the 21st centipede.

I call this entire ensemble the “What would happen if Rodney Dangerfield and a bloated, possibly mumps-infected Andrew McCarthy reproduced a fully grown man?” look.

You know, maybe it is just the audio aspect of it. I kind of agree. But I prefer a male voice, with more bass, with xenophobic opinions, who occasionally costs taxpayers millions of dollars in public funding for a failed video game, and doesn’t totally believe in evolution.

To be fair, I don’t want anyone with titties calling baseball games for me either, which is why I’m thrilled that Curt Schilling is still suspended.

I’m certainly not advocating for realer fights. But man it would be less embarrassing all around if they’d stop having these fake ones.

whose sole marketable skill is his ability to raise his arms above his head without falling over

Here are pictures of Roy Hibbert before, and then directly after he gets slapped.

it’s sad that here in modern America we do not talk about constipation as the serious issue that it is. thousands suffer every day and yet our politicians remain silent.

Last time I checked excessive celebration is a penalty in the National Football League act like you been there before Clay Matthews, you’re a role model for children everywhere and you are acting like you never been there before and the little Millennials are eating it up I worked in the school system for thirty seven…

If you give me a few minutes, I’ll consult my copy of The Unwritten Rules and get back to you all on who should be choked in this situation. I’m pretty sure it’s Fernandez, but some unwritten case law is pointing towards Kevin Kiermaier for some reason.

I’m sure, as a Republican politican, Jeff Flake has also been an asshole at some point about something...but god damn, he deserves praise on calling out this waste of money.

I hate it when kids leave rape kits on my porch.

And they called Aaron Hernandez a flight risk.

Is that a winky face, or did Jason lose his eye too?