If I wanted to see a dickhead hit a ball I’d watch Bryce Harper highlights

Dear Penthouse Forum,

I’m going to use “Shoot it you fucking midget” as many times as possible when the context is remotely appropriate. Someone taking a long time in front of me at the supermarket checkout? “Shoot it, you fucking midget.” Getting a haircut and the barber asks me how I want my neck trimmed? “Shoot it, you fucking midget.”…

Does DeVry have a football team?

OR... take all your pots, pans and glassware out of your kitchen cabinets, make your way to your nearest flight of stairs, and throw it all down from the top. The clamor will be just as informative, and the destruction of your glassware will be just as annoying.

#1. Don’t get married.

I feel like I’m the only person on the planet who despises this GapingGrill fad. Looks like a derpy, old-school Cylon

Next stop, the scrip club.

The video is cute but the song fucking sucks. Also I can’t stand Rashida Jones.

Edgar Martinez (WAR, All-Star Apps, Gray Ink) : 68.3, 7, 107

Kill a kid with a toy gun? Justified. Wheelie around town? I’ll have your badge Johnson!

That’s pretty easy to say when it’s not your money.

Try to read that without compulsively stroking your chin in a display of deep contemplation. You can’t!

Why not revisit this comment when you’re over 50 yourself, and see how you feel then about being told you’re “too old” for anything.

Obama is over 50; can he be relevant tho?

Dude, come on. I’d go out into the wilderness with Bear Grylls or hang with Ellen if I could. Who wouldn’t? I'm thirsty for some good fucking times.

Read that completely in Carl’s voice.

Well, he left Kansas City because they were never going to win a World Series.

“Last year they had the most dingers and walks in the MLB, the second-most strikeouts in baseball, and it took them all the way to the NLCS. If not for Daniel Murphy’s historical dong-stroking run, they may have made the World Series.”